The Day I Skipped Clinicals

You would THINK I murdered someone.

Yesterday, the weather was bad. I shouldn't have driven all the way to Independence at 7:30, but I did. And I regretted it, but I made it. The drive home was much better.

They were calling for ice and snow early this morning, and I had already decided I wasn't going to do it again. If we got bad weather, I wasn't going.

I have to drive a minimum of an hour everyday (W-F) this semester. Two of those days are two lanes only. To me, there is no reason I should risk my life for this. After all, I'm not getting paid. AND, I've got banked hours that can serve as built-in snow days. I did that on purpose.

My parents have been treating me like a child lately. I don't know if that's my fault or theirs, but it's damn annoying. All up in my business... checking on me... constantly asking me questions about school. I called the site at 5 a.m. and left a message telling them I wouldn't be there today.

At 7:00, my mom is pounding on my door, asking if I'm going in. I said no, so then she asked if it was because of the weather....

.....seriously? I lived alone for more than 5 years and got myself up every single day. I can remember ONE TIME when I overslept and got to work late. Every single day for those 5+ years, I was a responsible adult. WHY, all of a sudden, does everyone think that I'm not capable of taking care of myself?!

My dad got home from work today. Cue the 20 questions. "What did you do today?" "What days do you travel? Shouldn't you be in Jeff City today?" *sigh* When I told him why I didn't go, he says "The weather wasn't bad this morning."

YEAH WELL SCREW OFF. I checked the MoDot map and the road between here and there was "partly covered" which is enough for me to stay home.

GOOD GRIEF.... I have never skipped a clinical day before. Ever. And considering it's my last semester, I think that's doing well! I don't know if everyone is losing faith in my drive and/or ability, or if we're reverting back to childhood. But either way, I'm over it. I'm a grown ass adult!!

So behind in school. In life. Same thing.

They say you aren't supposed to wish your life away. Live in the moment, savor the good times, and learn from the bad times. But embrace everyday, because you never know when it'll be your last.

I've been wishing my life away since August of 2014 when this program started. I knew it would be long and miserable. They said, "It'll go by so fast!" but I knew that it wouldn't for me. And it hasn't; it's felt like a lifetime! I've been living my life week to week... counting down from 16 over and over, until the next break. I literally live my life one week at a time; 24 hours of clinicals and homework until I can say my "week" is over.

When I got myself in "trouble" last semester, I thought it would be wise to spend my break studying so that my last semester might be better. That meant that I would have to ignore the dark cloud following me everywhere I go: my physics registry. I knew most of my classmates would be taking it over this break, but now that I know two of them have passed I'm really hitting the panic button. So I studied... some, but not for physics. It's hard to remember to do it when life kinda takes over-- I worked a lot, tried to get things done that had been ignored for months, and wanted to have a little fun. So now, I kinda feel bad that I didn't get as much of that done as I should've. And on top of it... physics hasn't been touched.

I've only sorta studied for physics. This crap is HARD... and it's so boring. I don't care, and that makes it really hard to stay focused. So today, coming home and seeing that another classmate has passed it has me really upset. I feel so behind. I feel like I'm never going to make it.

I have three study resources for this test: an official review book, some flash cards (made by an author, not me) and some CDs to listen to. I had told myself that my commute times would be spent listening to the CD. I plan to stick to that, but I just feel like time is running out. I have to *attempt* this test before I graduate, but I REALLY want to PASS it.

And what happens when I panic? I shut down. So... that's what I'll be doing for a couple days, I guess. I just thought that I would excel in this program. I expected to be top of the class and the first to accomplish most things. I don't know why... I just did. So now that reality has set in, and I realize that my need to work has actually really hurt me, I'm just trying to get through. I'm not at the top of the class, and some would even say I'm behind in my abilities.

Going back to school at my age is a real struggle. For many reasons. I realize I usually set my standards high, but I'm really disappointed in myself right now.