All too familiar, yet so unwelcome.

I don't think I can begin to tell you how much I loathe snow. This is the third BIG snow we've had in a month. It's gotten to the point that no one even posts about it on facebook anymore because we're all sick of talking about it!!

Days like today (my only day off) would normally be good for errands. Today is good for.... Planning my shoveling adventure and maybe eating some food. It's spring, right?!?! Go home, Mother Nature. You're drunk!!!

My all-too familiar view. I'm sick of it!!

Third Time's a Charm (and BETTER be the last!)

You know, some people go through life never finding out what they want to be. Some people, like myself, flounder around and do different things forever. Or until they're old enough to retire. I feel like I'm one of these people for a simple reason:

I live by the rule "Work to LIVE, never LIVE to work."

So maybe to me, a job is just a job. When I was younger, ALL I wanted to be was a court reporter. For years I talked about it. I researched til there was nothing left to find. When that dream was yanked from me, I really didn't know what to do next. And that... is why I'm here.

The first time I went to college, it was to fulfill an A+ scholarship that I was originally intending to use for court reporting. I was forced to pick a major, so I picked something I knew would be easy. Behold the AAS in Office Administration! Perhaps the most worthless degree known to man. Why? Because you don't need no stinkin' degree to do office work! The longer I had been out of school, the harder it was to find a job MAINLY because of the recession (and everyone was holding onto their jobs for dear life) but also because the jobs I was applying for were being given to people with more experience in the field.  That's why I'm massaging full time right now...

The second venture into school was purely for something I wanted to do. I had taken a liking to massage and thought (once again) I had my life figured out. I was going to get through school and be licensed, then work in the medical field with it. You know, with a PT or chiropractor. I wanted to HELP people, not just relax them. And, to make things more promising, I was promised a job with a local chiro. Little did I know that he would be a crook and completely screw me over at the last minute. So, I landed at the spa. And here I am, 6 years later still working in the service industry where I never wanted to be. Don't get me wrong... it has been good to me. It just wasn't my dream. And really, in this part of the country the medical thing just doesn't happen much. Maybe in a bigger city, but even then the insurance companies won't pay unless it's prescribed for a work or car accident. I just didn't realize how difficult it would be to work somewhere other than a spa doing massage.

So needless to say, I'm tired of going to school and even MORE tired of it getting me nowhere. Some people would just make the best of what they've got and work jobs they hate to get them by. But as much as I work to live, I can't be miserable doing it. Here's to hoping this will be the LAST TIME I owe anyone student loans. G'grief.

Crisis Averted.

So...
Since the last time I blogged, some things have been settled and I can think a little more clearly. Basically, I was told by a rather reputable source (my mother, who works in the financial aid office) that since the program I'm aiming for was to be funded by grants, I wasn't going to be "eligible" because I work... and don't mooch off the government.
I FINALLY got a meeting with the director, and lucky for me they have already thought of these things and have found a way to bypass them. Basically, they can classify a student however they want to make sure they can receive the grant. So that's the good news. The bad news is, by the time I'm ready to start, the grant will probably be gone. She said, "Well you know, the government is a mess. So I don't expect to have it for more than a year."

*sigh*

Whatever. One of the things that really drew me in was the fact that my tuition would be covered, but now that I'm here... and doing things... I'm just ready to move to the next chapter in my life, even if it means paying tuition and having student loans. Again. I really don't have a choice since everything is in the works.

So now that I know I'm not wasting my time with these prerequisites, it's back to the original plan. More details to come. It's Spring Break (which means 2 days off this week for me!-- don't tell work.), so I'll have some extra time on my hands. Might as well blog.

My Absence

Y'all... I haven't written in a while. A long while. Plain and simple, I've been busy.
And stressed out.

Stressed to the point that I've shut down. I still function, but it's on fumes. And I haven't been a pleasant person lately.

We'll just say that I have a very important meeting coming up that pertains to school (the whole reason I sit here and write) that may or may not change EVERYTHING I thought I was doing. More on that after it unfolds, but until then.... I'll stay shut down. It's just too much to think about and have to write about something else.

Trust me though, I've got all KINDS of blogs planned.

See ya later this week. Maybe. If I'm not in jail for killing someone.

Last Week Was Not Mine.

If something was to go wrong in a week of my life, it was accomplished last week.

Ok, maybe that's dramatic. But it was a rough week.

What you have to understand is that my luck is shit. Pure shit. I've always been one of those people who not only have struggles in life, but they're the struggles that take the long route. It's never like, "Oh hey, your car just rolled over and died." It's the whole "Your car might be dead. We fixed this. Oh wait, now this is wrong. Gotta wait 2 weeks on that part. Part is here! Wait, wrong part. Two more weeks. New part works.This is still wrong, but it'll run. Here's your car!" Then two months later, car officially dies. That actually happened to me last summer. I was without my car for over 6 weeks, only for it to die 2 months after getting it back (and sinking 2 grand into it).
Ok, so now you kinda get the picture.

Two Fridays ago, I came home and went into homework high gear. I was being productive, so I didn't stop. I got most of everything done, including some tests that were due the following Sunday. Another thing you have to understand is that my house is... buzzing. When I'm home, my laptop is on. My tv is also on... all the time. I need noise, and I need entertainment. So Saturday when I got up and the computer wouldn't even start up, I got that sinking feeling. I knew it probably had a virus, because I got the "blue screen of death" the day before, but it had resolved itself. Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

Lucky for me, I have used a computer guy in the past who works out of his home. And he's pretty amazing. Like, honest... and priced fairly. He's not gonna screw me over. But today, the main selling point was that he worked from HOME. And I could call him, even on a Saturday. After a little phone tag, I dropped it off after work and told him I was pretty sure it was a virus... and that it probably was due to someone else using my computer. (Whatever, not pointing fingers or blaming anyone. Stuff happens.)

Later that night, he called with some bad news. My USB ports weren't working. Wait, what?! He's like, "Uh yeah, this happens to about 1 in 1,000 that I see. Totally not common." It was at that point that I knew I was in for a long ride. I said something like, "Yeah, only my luck..." which I'm sure he probably hears a lot. But I mean it. The next day, the keyboard was shot. It was like a geriatric patient circling the drain. All the while all I could think about was how I was supposed to get homework done. He needed to order a new keyboard for it (5-7 business days) and THEN hope it was resolved, but couldn't promise anything. The full-on meltdown at Bandana's later that day with the family was really cute. I asked them not to talk about it, but they kept asking questions. Cue the tears. I couldn't help but think it was a sign that this school thing wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.

That was a bad start to the week. Then Monday I had to have the argument with work that we've gone over 15,485 times. The one about male clients being in the spa with me (alone) after the front desk closes. This is reason #1 I cannot do massage forever. My boundaries cannot be respected enough for them to remember this simple rule (yes, it applies to all the therapists... I'm just the one who will bitch about it when they mess up). I do not want to be in the spa alone, with a guy I've never met, rubbing on him then having to let him out.
This.
Is.
Asking.
For.
Trouble.

And no matter how much the owner says it's not shady looking, it is. It's plain shady. I don't want to be a part of it. No one should be given those appointments... but for GOD'S SAKE, be sure not to give them to ME!!
Lucky for them, he cancelled. Bullet dodged, but not until my bp was elevated for approximately 6 hours while I stewed about it and decided how I'd throw my fit this time.

Tuesday means school. It also means homework. I was originally going to spend my afternoon in the computer lab, but quickly changed my mind when I got hungry and tired of being at school. Doesn't take much, I know. So I went to use the fam computer.... forgetting that it's older than me. It didn't support everything I used, but I made it work for the day. I did the same on Thursday but I *had* to get something printed. Lo and behold, their old system didn't open the document properly. After finishing what I could, I had to drive BACK to school just to print 2 pages off. Bah.
All the while, I'm using my phone for facebook and such. Whaddaya know, the "new" battery I was given because of an insurance program I signed up for through Radio Shack doesn't hold any more charge than the old one did. Uh yeah, got jipped on that deal. So I'm charging my phone 2 and 3 times a day just to keep it alive.

I decided to take my rare Saturday off and leave town. I went to see a friend near KC and did some retail therapy. While I was there, I got a call about my computer. Yay! Finally! Wait... yay? Sure enough, it was fixed... but not really. The USB ports are still dead, and there's not a thing he could do about it without charging me more than the laptop is worth. I mean, it's better than nothing... but I was JUST about to buy a printer, and now there's no need. I really need a printer at home so I'm not going to the lab everyday and spending money for their paper and ink. But this is what I've been thrown. Refer to the first couple paragraphs. This also means my flash drive is worthless. Here's to hoping I can figure something out, because I'm sure as heck not gonna buy a new 'puter right now!

One more minor meltdown yesterday (due to someone saying something stupid about school, which I'm obviously touchy about) and I'm finally back up and running. I didn't take much time to do homework this weekend-- oopsie-- so I'm back at it tonight. I sure hope this week is nicer to me.

So kids, the whole point is that I haven't been blogging because I simply couldn't. Back to the grind!

The First Day: Deflated

I knew what to expect, yet I was totally doubting myself after the first day.

My schedule starts with Elementary Algebra (yes folks, Jana is a dummy when it comes to math). I sat at a table alone, which I fully expected because WHO wants to sit with the old lady?!
...and then it happened. The stinky kid sat in front of me.  *GAG*

I spent the better part of the 75 minutes wondering why he hadn't taken a shower. I figured I wouldn't need to focus *that* much, since it was day 1, and we were literally adding and multiplying fractions. For real.

Then comes Biology. Human Biology, to be exact.
I looked around the room and waddayaknow.... I AM THE OLDEST PERSON IN HERE. That wasn't the case in math (Whew...), but it is most definitely the case here. I wore a "young" outfit that day on purpose-- just in case something like this happened. That way, I might blend in. I'm not sure if it worked, or if anyone even cared. But it made me feel better.

Another 75 minutes later, I was out the door and headed home! Woo!! It's only 12:15!!!

....uh yeah, except I have homework AND I still have to figure out my online class. But it'll be fine. Right?


Wrong. I totally fell apart. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I forgot how to add a damn fraction. It's been 17 years since I did it by hand, y'all. I had a minimum of two (max. of 3) websites I had to register and learn to navigate for each class. My online Med Term class threw a SHITTON of work at me for the "first week", which actually means (in best Office Space voice), "Uhh yeeeeah, this is just a revolving door of homework. You don't actually "finish", you just find a good stopping point." There were quite a few points in my week that I thought I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. And I'll probably think that again, but it was a tough week. Tough.

And I cried.

 

Seriously, WHAT AM I DOOOOOINNNGGG?!?!?!

*sigh* *gathering self*

By the end of the week I had the math figured out (duuuuhh, it'll come back boss...), I had most of the websites figured out, and I made peace with the fact that my bio teacher is gonna bore the bejeezus out of me (it's the subject more than her). But I didn't feel any better about the whole thing... because I was still getting into the groove. I have never, EVER been much for change. This is one of those examples. Most of my frustration came from the fact that my life wasn't the same as it was the week before. I'm being forced to adjust, and I really hate that.
But.... nothing will ever change if I don't make strides to change it.

I'm now at the end of week 2 and feeling slightly better about some things. My online med term class is still brutal. I got some bad (?) news that the program I'm aiming for will have online classes as well... CRAP!! Wish I woulda known that before I signed up for the life change. (Totally not my fault-- the school didn't have their crap together. I've been looking into this for at least a year.) But I'm taking it as it comes.

Btw, I moved away from the stinky kid. He's behind me now. Best of luck to those who are behind him. ;)

The College Experience

The time finally came to go to the school bookstore and get all of my books for the semester. I put it off longer than originally planned, and I think it's because I just felt weird. It's been 10 years since I had a class on this campus, and I just *knew* that the second I went back I'd feel like the old lady... surrounded by 18 year olds. That was me once, fresh out of high school and fully aware that there were plenty of non-traditional students in my classes, but still a little taken aback when I saw one of them sitting in the same seats as myself. I don't want those reactions.

Lucky for me, most people think I'm a little younger than I actually am. I definitely don't pass for 18, but I'm frequently told I look 25 or 26. One person even guessed 23. I'm none of the above, but any of those are better than the reality of the terrible number I actually bear. I'll try to look extra young tomorrow, since it's the first day and all.

Anyway, back to the books. As I walked toward the building with the bookstore, I passed quite a few people who were also buying books. Most of them were older than me, which immediately put me at ease. I saw them for a reason; they were put there to make me shut up about the old lady thing. I was greeted at the bookstore door by a bunch of young work study students who just wanted me to "get my shit and get out", but I didn't mind. The girl took my schedule and quickly ran around pointing at the books I'd need. Glad she was there.

After all that, I wandered on my own. As I looked at all of the backpacks and supplies and SFCC clothing, it all came rushing back....
Suddenly I wanted a sweatshirt with the dorky college name sprawled across it, a pair of sweatpants (because who doesn't show up to class in those some days?), a lanyard for my keys, and a new backpack. I didn't get most of those (only the backpack because I really, really needed one) but it made me realize that I was fully immersing myself in the experience. This was the stuff I completely ignored the last time I was here because I was too angry at the school to enjoy it.
I checked out and freaked out a little on the inside when my THREE BOOKS rang up to $400!!! Ugh, well, just put it on the tab. I'll get around to paying that in a few years...

While I was on campus, I thought a little tour and class-finding was appropriate. I've only got 2 classes on campus, and they happen to be in buildings right next to each other. This would be easy. As I walked down the hallways, I was passed by MORE people older than me who were also familiarizing themselves with their schedule. As I realized that I start my day with math (ew, bleh), I was still comforted by the idea that I'd be back home by 1, ready to sit down and take care of my online class. At least I'm not spending my entire day at the school like I used to. Not this semester, at least.

After all that, I thought long and hard about my next move. The school gym is open to students, but only during hours when they don't have weightlifting classes. I haven't had a gym membership in a couple years, and I'm pretty antsy to get back in a workout routine. I knew that somewhere in that big building, there was a piece of paper telling me when I could go to the gym... but I was kinda scared to go in and find it. I thought, "Oh, I'll just worry about it later..." but the truth is, I would've put it off until it didn't apply anymore. And dangit, if I'm gonna do this... by golly I'm gonna do it RIGHT. So I put on my big girl panties and started wandering around the Multipurpose Center. I quickly found an office with a nice lady sitting at a desk... I started blabbering about times and the gym, and she just smiled and said they had JUST gotten the schedule in. There were a stack of papers in front of me... I grabbed one and went about my way.

I am GOING to take full advantage of this experience. It's silly, but I feel young again. I'm going to go to classes, come home and do homework, go back to campus to work out... go to the bookstore and grab some stuff every now and then. Hit up a few vending machines, or even go to the library to study Heck, maybe I'll join a sorority....
...ok, those don't exist at this school, and I'm too old. But you get the idea.

I'm just kinda making up for the last time I went, I guess. And, the reality is that MWF, I'll go to work and be the usual adult that I always am. But for a few hours a week, I can escape into the college student role... it's kinda fun. :)