The Day I Skipped Clinicals

You would THINK I murdered someone.

Yesterday, the weather was bad. I shouldn't have driven all the way to Independence at 7:30, but I did. And I regretted it, but I made it. The drive home was much better.

They were calling for ice and snow early this morning, and I had already decided I wasn't going to do it again. If we got bad weather, I wasn't going.

I have to drive a minimum of an hour everyday (W-F) this semester. Two of those days are two lanes only. To me, there is no reason I should risk my life for this. After all, I'm not getting paid. AND, I've got banked hours that can serve as built-in snow days. I did that on purpose.

My parents have been treating me like a child lately. I don't know if that's my fault or theirs, but it's damn annoying. All up in my business... checking on me... constantly asking me questions about school. I called the site at 5 a.m. and left a message telling them I wouldn't be there today.

At 7:00, my mom is pounding on my door, asking if I'm going in. I said no, so then she asked if it was because of the weather....

.....seriously? I lived alone for more than 5 years and got myself up every single day. I can remember ONE TIME when I overslept and got to work late. Every single day for those 5+ years, I was a responsible adult. WHY, all of a sudden, does everyone think that I'm not capable of taking care of myself?!

My dad got home from work today. Cue the 20 questions. "What did you do today?" "What days do you travel? Shouldn't you be in Jeff City today?" *sigh* When I told him why I didn't go, he says "The weather wasn't bad this morning."

YEAH WELL SCREW OFF. I checked the MoDot map and the road between here and there was "partly covered" which is enough for me to stay home.

GOOD GRIEF.... I have never skipped a clinical day before. Ever. And considering it's my last semester, I think that's doing well! I don't know if everyone is losing faith in my drive and/or ability, or if we're reverting back to childhood. But either way, I'm over it. I'm a grown ass adult!!

So behind in school. In life. Same thing.

They say you aren't supposed to wish your life away. Live in the moment, savor the good times, and learn from the bad times. But embrace everyday, because you never know when it'll be your last.

I've been wishing my life away since August of 2014 when this program started. I knew it would be long and miserable. They said, "It'll go by so fast!" but I knew that it wouldn't for me. And it hasn't; it's felt like a lifetime! I've been living my life week to week... counting down from 16 over and over, until the next break. I literally live my life one week at a time; 24 hours of clinicals and homework until I can say my "week" is over.

When I got myself in "trouble" last semester, I thought it would be wise to spend my break studying so that my last semester might be better. That meant that I would have to ignore the dark cloud following me everywhere I go: my physics registry. I knew most of my classmates would be taking it over this break, but now that I know two of them have passed I'm really hitting the panic button. So I studied... some, but not for physics. It's hard to remember to do it when life kinda takes over-- I worked a lot, tried to get things done that had been ignored for months, and wanted to have a little fun. So now, I kinda feel bad that I didn't get as much of that done as I should've. And on top of it... physics hasn't been touched.

I've only sorta studied for physics. This crap is HARD... and it's so boring. I don't care, and that makes it really hard to stay focused. So today, coming home and seeing that another classmate has passed it has me really upset. I feel so behind. I feel like I'm never going to make it.

I have three study resources for this test: an official review book, some flash cards (made by an author, not me) and some CDs to listen to. I had told myself that my commute times would be spent listening to the CD. I plan to stick to that, but I just feel like time is running out. I have to *attempt* this test before I graduate, but I REALLY want to PASS it.

And what happens when I panic? I shut down. So... that's what I'll be doing for a couple days, I guess. I just thought that I would excel in this program. I expected to be top of the class and the first to accomplish most things. I don't know why... I just did. So now that reality has set in, and I realize that my need to work has actually really hurt me, I'm just trying to get through. I'm not at the top of the class, and some would even say I'm behind in my abilities.

Going back to school at my age is a real struggle. For many reasons. I realize I usually set my standards high, but I'm really disappointed in myself right now.

A year and some change later...

It has been well over a year since I've blogged. Or logged in, for that matter.
Life has taken over, just like "the program" said it would, and I really don't know that anyone wants to keep up with the madness of school.

The good news is, I have exactly one semester until I graduate. The bad news is, I'll be driving a lot (which I HATE) to get to clinical sites.... for all 16 weeks. Plus, I've been having some serious issues with "the program" that have really made me doubt myself and wonder if I'm going to make it.
Let's just say I asked for help last semester. It took over 7 weeks to get that "help" and their solution was to put me on probation. I don't feel like I was helped at all, and I'm having to figure a lot of things out on my own when THE PROGRAM should be helping me. I'm paying a lot of money, after all.

But I have to make it. I'm still living in the basement, and I'm ready to move on. It'll be a while before that happens, but I MUST make strides in the right direction in order to stay sane.

Right now I'm on break and savoring every second of it. I'm spending some of it studying, some working, and some playing. I have a lot of big registries hanging over my head that follow me around like a dark cloud. But I'm making the best of it.

That was a super quick update, but a full update would take far too long. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I need to get back to my Sunday ritual-- Say Yes to the Dress marathon.

Countdown: 22 months.

Well, it's here.
I start THE PROGRAM tomorrow.


I've tried really hard to have a full summer-- from baseball games, to ranch tours, to three trips to the fair. I just wanted to live life, fearful that it would come to a screeching halt when August 18 rolled around. I once said that not having enough money during this process was my biggest fear... it still is, but a VERY close second is the fear that I'll lose myself and my life.


"They" tell you to expect 40 hours a week for homework. They'll also tell you that you don't have time to work. That's really just not an option for me, so I'm working about 15 hours a week and hoping for the best. But hearing all of that makes me really scared-- what if I don't have the time to do the things I really enjoy? I'm fairly simple most of the time... a good tv show, time with my boyfriend and Taco Tuesday are all things that make me tick. I know I'll be a person I don't like if I don't get the time for a little enjoyment.


This first semester will be the hardest. My classes have already opened up online, and the buzz is that it's very overwhelming. I was prepared for that. But how prepared can you really be until you get in there and are totally and completely slapped in the face by ALL the work and expectations in these classes? I guess I'll let myself worry one more day before venturing in. Yeah, I'd be smart to start today.... but I need this day.


Anyway, here we go! Hoping for the best, and praying that life goes easy on me for the next two years.

'Cause you know that you're TOXIC...

No one likes to WORK. We all do it because we need money to survive. We NEED work.
So I guess that means we have to put up with whatever our place of employment hands us, right?
See, this is where I get myself in trouble.


I don't bite my tongue.
I don't sugar coat.
I don't hold back.
I speak my mind-- because I work in a small business and the way it's structured leaves the door wide open for any and all to contribute ideas.
....but when those ideas backfire because of catty bullshit, what can you do?


There's no feeling in the world I can compare to being employed in a toxic workplace (Unfortunately, this is not my first rodeo.). When you're like me, your ass is on the line--a lot. Because you "hurt someone's feewings..." or they feel threatened by your ideas because they are actually proactive and may make a difference (force them to do their jobs properly). And you live in fear that someone is going to get you fired over it. It's this boulder in my gut that goes away long enough for me to sleep, and reappears the instant I awake. What am I so afraid of? I guess it's losing my job and not having an income-- because that's truly the only reason I work. I don't care if I make enemies or lose friends. I just don't want to be in a bad spot because I TRIED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE and they retaliated with childish, pointless, ILLEGAL actions. It's sickening and terrifying... and borderline entertaining all at the same time!


It wasn't until this week that I actually started being excited for my new chapter.
My biggest worry was that I wouldn't have enough money to pay bills and live on, but all that went away when I realized that I was going to be freed from the toxicity that is my job. Yes, I'll still be there. But HOPEFULLY it'll be very part time, just a few hours a week. And it will be amazing. I won't be forced to face the people who are out to get me fired, nearly as much. I won't have to interact with the idiots who act like they know how to run the place but fail miserably everyday. I won't have to be a part of my fellow coworkers' drama and complaints as they continue to endure the sorry excuse for management while they just try to maintain employment. Because I'm definitely not alone-- I'm just the one who gets caught. I will walk in, do my job, and leave.


In the meantime, I must learn to keep quiet. Just wade through until I can get out. It's hard to watch things go down the crapper. I mean, that's all I ever wanted-- to ensure that my job would be there. I wanted the best for the spa, but my intentions have been twisted and I will never be the "good guy". So instead I'll say nothing. I don't care anymore-- let it burn. In fact, I'll quite enjoy watching it self-destruct from afar because of the (bad) decisions made within.


I know that for me, there's something better waiting on the other side of this nightmare. And I'm very thankful for that opportunity.

Summer class.

One more prerequisite.
Yeah, I got accepted. But only if I pass this class with my required B. I couldn't fit it in anywhere else... good thing I didn't try. This summer was my ONLY option.


Who takes Physics in the summer?! Only crazy people, apparently.
There are only 4 people in the class. I am the only female. There's a lot of grunting and "In this one job I did, this concept applied...." blah blah. I honestly don't care. I just want a map of how to do the problems and get the heck out of there.


This class is 3.25 hours, twice a week. I check out exactly 2 hours into the class, everyday. That means 1.25 hours is spent daydreaming, doodling, and acting like I get what the teacher is saying (aaaand I never do). Some classes just aren't meant to sit through for this long, folks.


Mind-numbing is the best description I can give.
I.
Don't.
Care.
....about physics or anything associated with it. All I need to know is how my machine will work, and that will be covered in the program.


The only good thing I can say is that the homework is minimal for a summer semester class. You either get it, or you don't. You can either follow the examples in the book, or you can't. I've given up on the whole "understanding" it thing. Just muddling through for 8 weeks.
Oh, and he's giving us take-home tests. I mean... I really should be happier. This could be worse.


3 classes down, 13 more to go!

I've been keeping a secret.

I was clearly upset during my last post. I felt misled and very confused about what came next. I needed time to process what had happened the day of the workshop, and what would happen in the case of acceptance as well as rejection.
So imagine my dismay when THREE DAYS after the workshop, I get an email from the program advisor giving me their decision.


You know, I had been told "It wouldn't be long", then that it would take a month to hear anything from them. So three days wasn't really surprising, but I really just wish that they'd get their facts straight before they opened their mouths. Ever. Seeing as how I got the email on Monday morning, there's a good chance they had made a decision by Friday which is only one day. Doesn't really fit together, but that's the theme here anyway.


I opened it and cringed. Here it was. Right there in front of me was an attachment titled "Acceptance letter." My stomach dropped and quite honestly, I cried. I was overwhelmed and still not emotionally stable from three days prior. I opened it up and read it. Great news..... wish I could be happy.


And that's why I sat on this information for so long. I was actually accepted mid-April, but it took me a solid week to tell anyone (including my parents) and I've slowly started telling people here and there when they ask. No big announcement because it's taken me this long to be okay with it.

I know that sounds plain crazy.

But I thought about it, cried on it, talked to people, and prayed for clarity. At the end of the day, this is exactly what I wanted when I started 3 semesters ago. I couldn't wait for the day I was accepted... it was going to be the best day ever! And I had made promises to my family who graciously took me in as their basement dweller, so I couldn't even consider veering from the plan. Fear had taken over and kept me from being excited about the exact thing I had worked so hard for. Don't get me wrong-- I'm still very scared of what happens next. I don't know how the work thing will go, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford to live for the next 2 years. But I'll do my best nonetheless.


So.... I'M IN! Now to enjoy what summer I have (aside from the one class I have to take) and prepare for the bumpy ride ahead. I just have to remember what's on the other side.