Why bother planning?

This semester has been hell. Aside from the grueling work, hours of homework, and testing on a bi-weekly basis, my home life has been strained financially and personally. I have literally been pulled in all directions with little to no resources to accommodate. Just when I say that I'm at the end of my rope, I'm shown yet another direction I can be pulled and I just keep adding to my collection of troubles. The only positive here is that I'm less than a month from the semester being over.

But seriously, just when I've got it all figured out I'm reminded that I have ZERO control over what happens next.

Guys, I try. I moved home so I could save money. I have little debt, but what I have I'd like to get rid of. I had big plans to pay off a credit card and save ALL KINDS of money so that when I was in school 40 hours a week and couldn't work, I'd be okay. And dammit if it wasn't a GOOD THING I moved home, or I'd be living in a cardboard box right now. None of what I planned has happened, aside from saving money that I now get to throw at doctors.

I started the week of Halloween being at my GI specialist (internist, whatever)... not once, but three times in a week. I was super sick and couldn't get any answers because I don't have insurance. He's doing the best he can without making me file bankruptcy. I'd love to know some answers, but all the testing he'd need to do would put me in serious trouble. We're guessing what could be wrong, hoping for the best. The bills have started coming in, and I have ANOTHER appointment with him again tomorrow. I'm still not feeling well, and it's only getting worse.

AND the poor kitty. She's scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow because she has something going on with her lung. That's a big chunk o' money, but we need some answers on her too. If we don't test, we are literally clueless as to what's going on, and can't even begin to treat. The best case scenario is that it's something that can heal on its own. The worst case is that she needs surgery, which I can't afford. Plain and simple. I really, really need a break here... and I'd love for it to be in the form of a best case kitty scenario.

All the while, I watch my Christmas money slip through my fingers. I save some tips at work... because I feel like they're extra and need to be treated extra special. I had been saving for Christmas so that my credit card didn't have to be a part of this year's festivities.... but it just wasn't in the cards. WHY do I bother to plan?! It never works the way you need it to. I can't seem to get ahead. My dad says that's just how things are... that everyone deals with the same. I don't believe it, but I DO believe this is exactly why I'm going back to school.

One day, eventually, maybe, by a small miracle... I'd just like to make a plan and it actually follow through. I'm so aggravated.

Never tell strangers your dreams.

I've been really down on school in the past few weeks. Zero motivation to give a crap... it's a really bad deal. I'm just in the groove: school, homework, work, homework, sleep. I've kinda lost sight of what I'm doing and muddling through in hopes it will be over soon.

That update links to this story, I promise:

A few weeks ago, I had a client on my table who was a couple years older than me and in the same situation as myself. She had been to school but was considering going back if nothing else came about for her. Apparently the first time around she became an x-ray tech, but quit when she had kids and has only been able to find PRN work since. She was talking about how she had only worked one day in the past week, which clearly isn't enough to make a living. Granted, she chose to leave her full time position to stay home but she understood that and didn't regret it at all.

(side note: These jobs in particular are impossible to find. The school pumps out WAY TOO MANY x-ray students every year, and the job market is saturated.)

So now, this girl was thinking about going back to school for teaching. But she was at that point where she couldn't fathom going back AGAIN to change her career AGAIN. I was there once, too. I told her that eventually necessity might win over that dread. That's what happened to me.

She became interested in my story and asked what I was going back for. I told her and before I knew it, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Since it's a field closely related to her own, she wanted to warn me that those jobs weren't readily available either. And that if I had done my research, I'd know the projection for it wasn't great. She cautioned that I should do some research, but wished me well. At the time, I appreciated it. I felt defeated, but I appreciated the honest words.

The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. She didn't mean to upset me-- she truly meant well. I was mad at myself for telling someone I didn't know what was going on in my life, where I was headed, and how I was getting there. It wasn't any of her business, and strangers will never support you in the way that your friends and family will. I was mad that I gave her the opportunity to upset me, even though she had no intention of doing so. And then I obtained clarity: These are all things I had researched before I took the plunge. I felt good about it then, and didn't have any reason to feel bad about it now. She probably thought she was helping. And who knows... maybe her opinions had some truth behind them. But I can't focus on that: I have to focus on what I think is best for me, based on the research I've done and where my life has taken me.

And just in case that wasn't enough, I was talking with a classmate today about her potentially changing her major from nursing to OTA. For old times' sake, I thought it would be nice to do the same research I did before... the same digging that lead me to this decision. Sure enough, I found good news! So yeah, Missouri isn't paid at or above average for the job, but the cost of living is cheaper here. And I'm not going to be greedy about this when I finish school-- I want my life back, and if I'm not making top dollar somewhere because I have sufficient time off, I'll be okay with that. The job is projected to grow way more than the average job in the next few years, giving me hope that there WILL be a job for me when I'm ready for one. All I can be is positive. All this has to be for a reason.

So the moral here is... don't tell complete strangers about your goals and dreams. They don't get it. They don't know what you've been through, and they'll never understand why you're taking the next step. They don't owe you positive statements and encouragement, and the info they give you may or may not be accurate.You might leave with bad thoughts in your head, leaving you to second-guess what you're doing. When you're in as far as me, you don't need to be second-guessing a thing.

It's my own fault, though.

I learned my lesson.

 

Back to my homework. 2.5 more years...