The process

You know, I don't want to be one of those people who always blame others for their own misfortunes.


It seems like when something doesn't go as planned, I can find someone to at least partially blame. But I've been told recently that I set my standards too high, and that I should be easier on myself when I fail. Having said that, I tend to have my stuff together. I go into situations prepared, educated, and willing to ask about what I don't fully understand.  Maybe that's why I expect the same of others.


The "workshop" for the ultrasound program was last Thursday. When we received the invite for it, the paper stated it would be 8-5. I had to take an entire day off work for this, but what can you do? In the workshop we would be tested, interviewed and asked to write a "200 word essay" bragging on ourselves.


So much about this day did not go as expected. So much of it was a disappointment. Where to begin....


I've always made it a point to make my presence known in the department. I speak with one of the instructors and the advisor often. I WANT to ask questions... I WANT to be in the know. I WANT them to know me! But I found out Thursday that everything I had been told was simply inaccurate. I don't know if the person answering my questions was misinformed, or if they were just told to say whatever was necessary to keep us interested in applying.

1. I asked if the current students were able to work. (After all, I AM an adult with bills and responsibilities. I might be living in a basement, but that doesn't make my car payment, etc. go away.) I was told that most all of them WERE working, and she didn't act like any of them were having issues with that. On Thursday, I was told the opposite. That none of them were able to keep jobs and when they did work, it was very little. They "strongly" suggest you don't work through this program. Serious panic set in.


2. I had heard a rumor about the prerequisites. Basically, what I'm taking this semester (and what I need to take this summer) wouldn't count for points on this application because they weren't completed. When I asked the advisor about this, I was casually told that, "Oh no, they wait until the end of the semester. They'll count." And on Thursday, I was told quite the opposite. SO... I have 3 classes that aren't being counted for points (which automatically puts me behind most of the others).


3. I was given my interview time prior to the date, kinda as a favor. I found out it was early enough that I would be able to work that afternoon. Yet, when I finished my testing they dragged me into the room because THEY wanted to get started. So not only was I FIRST to interview (everyone knows that's not good), I pushed everyone else behind. Yes, I was done early... but that's not the point. I wanted my 11:45 slot.


4. The 200-word essay described in the information led me to believe it would be "200 or more", but it was, in fact, ONLY 200 words. Now can someone tell me how I can brag about my experience and capabilities in 200 words?! It's unreal. It seemed so... child's play.


5. And finally, I was told they would be taking 10 this year instead of 6. What that ACTUALLY meant was that they were taking 6, and four others would be "alternates" that had to find their own clinical sites. The paraphrased words of the instructor were, "Sometimes your family works in a hospital, or you have a connection or something. So you're able to convince them to let you do some hours there when we maybe didn't have good luck with them before." Sooooo... you basically want those 4 to go out and do your work? I still don't fully understand. And, quite frankly, if I'm one of those 4, I'll have to decline the spot because I DON'T have any connections. They didn't give us a list of clinical sites, so I can only guess... but anyone I could approach has probably already been propositioned.


Aside from all of that, the day started with a Power Point presentation from one of the instructors. Not only was she a terrible presenter, but she wasn't that friendly either. They made it a point to make the slide show "doom and gloom" to scare of those who wouldn't be serious about it. You know-- "This job isn't 9-5" and "Your life will change so drastically that your friends and family will be affected" stuff. Yeah, I knew all of that... did you really have to put such a huge damper on the day first thing? And the presentation was put together poorly. I was required to make better presentations in high school.


I guess I just hold these people to a higher standard because of what they've expected from ME to get this far. I felt like I had been lied to numerous times, and that the workshop day was a little clown school. I KNOW I shouldn't feel like this. I KNOW I'm a terrible person for even discussing it. But it bothers me. These people want thousands of dollars from me (when I was originally led to believe there would be a grant in place to pay for my tuition-- there's not) and they can't even get their info straight.


*sigh*
You know, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. I was really torn all day. I didn't know whether to be sad, angry, content....
And I honestly won't be crushed if I don't get in this year. As much as I want to get on with my life, I want them to have their crap together just as much. I'm not sure that it's there yet, and I can't handle being part of a huge cluster. Not when I'm paying dearly for it.


Am I crazy? Is this just how all the programs work? Am I being too picky? I really feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling this way right now. I used to think my life would end if I didn't get in this year. Now I kinda don't care either way.


It's a tough spot to be in.


I won't know anything until next month. Just enough time to worry myself sick over it! It is what it is.