Live for you.

You would THINK that I committed a murder.

Or that I shot someone's grandma.

You would THINK... by the looks, the rumors... that I should be locked up somewhere.  But I'm sorta a prisoner in my own town anyway!

Life happens and people do things you don't expect. BUT you have to remember that you don't know all the sides of the story, ever. So before you start throwing daggers or spreading rumors, ask yourself if YOU'VE ever done something that wasn't expected. If you haven't, you're not living life!

See, when my boyfriend and I "came out" to the world, I knew I was in for an uphill battle. He was the ex of a not-so-great friend, and A LOT of worry went into the idea of a relationship. I knew people wouldn't like it-- especially her. But you get to the point in your life where you have to start living for YOU, because there's no one else on the planet who will make sure that happens. Did I think it would cause some trouble? Yes. Did I think that almost 9 months later I'd still be dealing with it? UH, NO.

All the things that people had said about him might've been true back then. But people change and sometimes for the better. And at the very least, different people bring out the best or worst in others. MAYBE... all the things people "knew" about him had everything to do with his ex. Do you really know? Did you care enough at the time to find out the truth, or was it more entertaining for you to gossip and create your own version? I digress. Not the point.

So what I did... was it a crime? No. People are meant to be with people. The fact that we found each other after he was with my "friend" doesn't make it any different than if we were two strangers that found each other. Life goes on, people move on...

But I know it's hard to believe the girl who rocked your friend's world. Because to her, I am THE worst person to ever live, and LORD ONLY KNOWS what's been said about me. I live in a smaller town and people will always talk.

But it's fine. I know the truth, and I don't miss one single person who has turned against me. They were not assets to my life. I just wish that they understood that we are all adults here, and sometimes people end up working out despite what everyone else thinks.... and it's not out of spite, or to cause any harm. It's because they want to be together and deserve it as much as the next couple. Being catty and hateful because YOU think it's wrong makes YOU look pitiful. Especially when YOU weren't even involved to begin with.

Live your life, people! Worry about you and yours. Let others deal with their own drama, despite how close you are with them. That's THEIR life to live. And when you're handed drama, deal with it in the most mature way you know how. It's going to happen, no doubt about it-- but there's a way to manage it and a way to make yourself look crazy.

Your choice.

Trust in reverse.

I've always had trust issues. Not in the "I'm socially awkward" way, but more in the "I've been taught it's easier to do it myself" way. But I can't spend my life second-guessing people and assuming I'll be done wrong. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best, because there are good people out there who have a conscience and were raised right.

And just when I thought I had made a new friend and could put some trust in someone new, I was reminded why it's more important to take care of yourself than to rely on others.

It would be one thing if the girl who had decided to take a class with me an hour away from home figured out a month after signing up that she didn't need to take the class. Or even two weeks ago. But instead, she waited until the day before the class started to bail on it. We've been signed up for this class for TWO MONTHS... a month of that has been on break, away from school. It never occurred to you until the DAY BEFORE semester that you might need to change your schedule? Oh, and that's only after she had asked me two hours prior what time we should leave the next day, and who was driving!!! Whatever. Some people shouldn't reproduce.

So you're like, "What's the big deal, Jana?" Well, I was originally going to take this class by myself anyway. But the longer that I thought I was going to have someone to travel with, the more I liked it. The class is Monday night, 7-9. We haven't had a great winter so far. The roads to this particular small town aren't always great anyway. So the reality is that I'd be driving two hours round-trip in the dark, far enough from home that the weather could be different there than it is here. And I'm a WIMP when it comes to driving, particularly at night (I have vision issues). So when she tells me 24 hours before the class starts that she's backing out, I go into panic mode. What the hell am I going to do now?! And WHY did I allow myself to put trust in this person who didn't owe me a thing? I'm disappointed in myself as much as I am her.

So my relaxing day in Columbia (ah yes, I was shopping when the bomb was dropped) ended in a mad dash to the nearest computer to figure out what comes next. The adult in me said "Suck it up! It's only a semester." And the anxiety-ridden, scared side of me told me to abort. I knew that if I wasn't driving, I'd be stuck taking it online. The way they have the class set up on campus leaves me working even less than I already am, and that really can't happen right now.
I sat and stared at that laptop for an hour? Two? I can't even tell you. I just kept waiting for the answer to jump out at me, but there wasn't one. I text my Anatomy teacher, assuming she'd have some advice. I talked to my boyfriend, my mom, and a couple friends. I wanted to be told what to do, but I knew I wouldn't be happy no matter what I did. It's that terrible my-world-just-stopped-spinning feeling. Hardcore panic mode.

When it came down to it, I didn't want to drive it alone MORE than I didn't want to take it online. So that's how I decided. I'm still pissed beyond words that I was done wrong. She had to do what was best for her, but she had absolutely NO consideration for me or that decision would've been made weeks ago. It's truly easier to rely on myself and no one else, and this is a prime example of it!

So here's to hoping that the best things I do in life are the things that no one else understands or agrees with at the time. Because this whole school thing is just that.