Trust in reverse.

I've always had trust issues. Not in the "I'm socially awkward" way, but more in the "I've been taught it's easier to do it myself" way. But I can't spend my life second-guessing people and assuming I'll be done wrong. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best, because there are good people out there who have a conscience and were raised right.

And just when I thought I had made a new friend and could put some trust in someone new, I was reminded why it's more important to take care of yourself than to rely on others.

It would be one thing if the girl who had decided to take a class with me an hour away from home figured out a month after signing up that she didn't need to take the class. Or even two weeks ago. But instead, she waited until the day before the class started to bail on it. We've been signed up for this class for TWO MONTHS... a month of that has been on break, away from school. It never occurred to you until the DAY BEFORE semester that you might need to change your schedule? Oh, and that's only after she had asked me two hours prior what time we should leave the next day, and who was driving!!! Whatever. Some people shouldn't reproduce.

So you're like, "What's the big deal, Jana?" Well, I was originally going to take this class by myself anyway. But the longer that I thought I was going to have someone to travel with, the more I liked it. The class is Monday night, 7-9. We haven't had a great winter so far. The roads to this particular small town aren't always great anyway. So the reality is that I'd be driving two hours round-trip in the dark, far enough from home that the weather could be different there than it is here. And I'm a WIMP when it comes to driving, particularly at night (I have vision issues). So when she tells me 24 hours before the class starts that she's backing out, I go into panic mode. What the hell am I going to do now?! And WHY did I allow myself to put trust in this person who didn't owe me a thing? I'm disappointed in myself as much as I am her.

So my relaxing day in Columbia (ah yes, I was shopping when the bomb was dropped) ended in a mad dash to the nearest computer to figure out what comes next. The adult in me said "Suck it up! It's only a semester." And the anxiety-ridden, scared side of me told me to abort. I knew that if I wasn't driving, I'd be stuck taking it online. The way they have the class set up on campus leaves me working even less than I already am, and that really can't happen right now.
I sat and stared at that laptop for an hour? Two? I can't even tell you. I just kept waiting for the answer to jump out at me, but there wasn't one. I text my Anatomy teacher, assuming she'd have some advice. I talked to my boyfriend, my mom, and a couple friends. I wanted to be told what to do, but I knew I wouldn't be happy no matter what I did. It's that terrible my-world-just-stopped-spinning feeling. Hardcore panic mode.

When it came down to it, I didn't want to drive it alone MORE than I didn't want to take it online. So that's how I decided. I'm still pissed beyond words that I was done wrong. She had to do what was best for her, but she had absolutely NO consideration for me or that decision would've been made weeks ago. It's truly easier to rely on myself and no one else, and this is a prime example of it!

So here's to hoping that the best things I do in life are the things that no one else understands or agrees with at the time. Because this whole school thing is just that.