Proceed with caution

So I'm in the middle of a massage yesterday and it hits me-- I'm crazy.
See, this is what happens when you have 60 minutes of silence. You're supposed to stay out of your head and be present with the client... blah, blah. Let's be real: You can't help but think.

About a month ago my mom asked me, without skipping a beat, what I'd do if I didn't get accepted into the program. It was as if she had no faith in me. The more upset I got, the more she'd word vomit and worsen the situation. It was terrible. I had to raise my voice before she'd be quiet. I had to show her just how upset I was before she knew she had messed up. You don't SAY THAT to someone in my situation!!

I mean, yeah, it's a possibility. Do I have a plan B? Nope. I told her the same thing: I don't have a backup plan, this plan HAS to work! I feel like I was led to this point... and hopefully it wasn't to be disappointed again. So I don't know what the answer is... if I mess up and don't get a required grade, or if I go through the grueling application process only to be denied. I don't know. But I don't want to think about it either. I don't have the time or resources to formulate a plan B.

But then my rational side takes over and the reality sets in: I may not be accepted. After all, every SINGLE plan I've ever made has failed. Everything I've grasped for has been swatted away from me... over and over. Original school plans, plans for life, wants, dreams... things that can't possibly fail. All have failed.  I can't imagine what will happen if this falls through too. I mean, SOMETHING has to work out for me eventually, right?

Even if I didn't get accepted next year, there's always the year after that... right? NO!! Because then I will be wasting a whole year of my life... doing God knows what... waiting on another chance to apply. Living in a basement. With absolutely no light at the end of my tunnel. That would be the end of me, that's for sure.
So I've decided I'm just crazy. I don't have "luck" like other people have luck. Things don't just "fall into place" for people like me. What was I thinking?!