Now.
*sigh*
I've had a bunch of smaller thoughts lately that are all related to one thing: the big picture. Some of you will relate, and the few who don't are a bunch of lucky bastards who have no idea what it means to be lost in your own life. We'll start when I was a kid:
If you had asked 10 year old Jana what she wanted to be when she grew up, she'd tell you that she wanted to be a teacher, or a doctor, or maybe a nurse. If you had asked what her life would look like, she quickly would've responded with, "I'll be married with some kids and live in a house and fix dinner every night for everyone."
I'm going to say something right now that I've only admitted to a few people in my life...
All I've really ever wanted to be is HAPPILY MARRIED.
After all, it's what I saw everyday. My parents are still together after 34 years of marriage, and while it hasn't been perfect (what marriage is?) they have set an example for me since I was young. It's how I thought things were supposed to be, and over time it was something I really wanted for myself.Fast forward to my freshman year of high school, and I'd tell you I had decided on a new career: court reporting! Just like most girls in the Midwest, I wanted to be married by a young(er) age, get settled in my career, and start living my life. No later than 20, of course.
By my senior year of high school, my dream of the court reporting thing had been ripped from me but I still had my boyfriend! Yep... I was going to be okay anyway. We never really talked about marriage specifically, but I feel like we were both on the same page about it: Get through school so we can start our lives. That's how I envisioned it, at least. I was a little more realistic by this time and figured 21 would be a better age to get married. (WHY are we so obsessed with this as girls? Good grief.)
(Side note: I feel like I talk about this guy a lot. He was only in my life for a couple years but they were those crucial years... the ones that stick out in my mind the most. I'm not obsessed over him or the past, but it was a happier time in my life. Bear with me here.)
We all know how this story goes: went to college (for nothing), ended up single, worked some dead-end jobs, went back to school (massage), worked my ass off 60+ hours a week just to get by, *fast forward* Living in a basement.
The points I'm trying to make here are:
*Not everyone who earns a scholarship or finds a way to fund higher education gets it right the first time. In my case, I didn't know what to do with my free 2 years, so I'm pretty sure anything would've been the wrong path. And not everyone's family is able to give them the education they want. I worked full time the whole time I was in college getting the wrong degree just to pay for my car, insurance, phone, etc. Some people thought it was extreme that I lived at home as long as I did, but SHIT Y'ALL... I was doing the best I could. And my parents knew that.
*Not everyone gets to find the perfect mate and marry them when they're young. I used to play the "If I met someone today, I'd be ___ by the time I got married" game. Giving myself a year to date them, and another year to be engaged (Let's face it-- I plan on going overboard for a wedding). I set goals for myself from a young age on... 20, 21, 25... 28... SURELY I'll be married by 30!! Wrong. And this is the one that probably hurts the most. I can't believe I'm single (not married) at the age I am. Why exactly am I in this situation? The only answer I can come up with is that I'm not willing to get married to the wrong person for the sake of marriage. I don't even know how people do that. It's weird. I'd rather be single and responsible for myself that in a huge mess involving someone else and possibly kids. If you are a person who met the RIGHT person at a young age and get to spend quality years with them, consider yourself very lucky. I've always been jealous of those people. It's becoming pretty apparent that I won't get a chance at a 50th wedding anniversary, which makes me sad and discouraged.
*Not everyone falls into their ideal job right out of high school/college. Men especially have it too easy. If they don't want to get a college education, they don't have to... and they will make MORE than I've ever made in a year. Good for them... but how unfair! I wouldn't be in this mess if I had a penis, plain and simple. I'd be working some manual labor job making a minimum of 40k a year and life would be grand.
...ok fine, I can't say that for sure. But it seems to work that way for a lot of them. For the kids that go to school and pick the right major the first time, props to you too. Maybe you had some extra guidance, or maybe you were just drawn to something and stuck with it. Again, I am jealous because I've floundered through life for years because of this one issue.
*If you're lucky enough to have the life you envisioned, then you're DAMN LUCKY! I didn't get that... not even close. And I am sad about it everyday. This wasn't the plan, and it definitely wasn't the order I wanted things to go in. I feel like my family is disappointed in me and the world thinks there's something wrong with me. I really don't feel like I was asking for a lot when I wanted a steady job I could stand and a family, whether that be a husband or kids included. And yes, I realize I'm not dead yet but time is ticking away.
They say that everything happens for a reason, in its own time. I don't always agree with that. Yes, I'm sure there's some logic behind all of this, but it's been a long, hard struggle and it doesn't even really make sense. Wanting realistic, normal things for your life isn't uncommon. I'm not weird for feeling this way.
The flip side of all of this is that some people have all that and still aren't happy. Maybe I'm going through all of this so that when it all falls into place, I'll have a better appreciation of it. Who knows.
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