Live for you.

You would THINK that I committed a murder.

Or that I shot someone's grandma.

You would THINK... by the looks, the rumors... that I should be locked up somewhere.  But I'm sorta a prisoner in my own town anyway!

Life happens and people do things you don't expect. BUT you have to remember that you don't know all the sides of the story, ever. So before you start throwing daggers or spreading rumors, ask yourself if YOU'VE ever done something that wasn't expected. If you haven't, you're not living life!

See, when my boyfriend and I "came out" to the world, I knew I was in for an uphill battle. He was the ex of a not-so-great friend, and A LOT of worry went into the idea of a relationship. I knew people wouldn't like it-- especially her. But you get to the point in your life where you have to start living for YOU, because there's no one else on the planet who will make sure that happens. Did I think it would cause some trouble? Yes. Did I think that almost 9 months later I'd still be dealing with it? UH, NO.

All the things that people had said about him might've been true back then. But people change and sometimes for the better. And at the very least, different people bring out the best or worst in others. MAYBE... all the things people "knew" about him had everything to do with his ex. Do you really know? Did you care enough at the time to find out the truth, or was it more entertaining for you to gossip and create your own version? I digress. Not the point.

So what I did... was it a crime? No. People are meant to be with people. The fact that we found each other after he was with my "friend" doesn't make it any different than if we were two strangers that found each other. Life goes on, people move on...

But I know it's hard to believe the girl who rocked your friend's world. Because to her, I am THE worst person to ever live, and LORD ONLY KNOWS what's been said about me. I live in a smaller town and people will always talk.

But it's fine. I know the truth, and I don't miss one single person who has turned against me. They were not assets to my life. I just wish that they understood that we are all adults here, and sometimes people end up working out despite what everyone else thinks.... and it's not out of spite, or to cause any harm. It's because they want to be together and deserve it as much as the next couple. Being catty and hateful because YOU think it's wrong makes YOU look pitiful. Especially when YOU weren't even involved to begin with.

Live your life, people! Worry about you and yours. Let others deal with their own drama, despite how close you are with them. That's THEIR life to live. And when you're handed drama, deal with it in the most mature way you know how. It's going to happen, no doubt about it-- but there's a way to manage it and a way to make yourself look crazy.

Your choice.

Trust in reverse.

I've always had trust issues. Not in the "I'm socially awkward" way, but more in the "I've been taught it's easier to do it myself" way. But I can't spend my life second-guessing people and assuming I'll be done wrong. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best, because there are good people out there who have a conscience and were raised right.

And just when I thought I had made a new friend and could put some trust in someone new, I was reminded why it's more important to take care of yourself than to rely on others.

It would be one thing if the girl who had decided to take a class with me an hour away from home figured out a month after signing up that she didn't need to take the class. Or even two weeks ago. But instead, she waited until the day before the class started to bail on it. We've been signed up for this class for TWO MONTHS... a month of that has been on break, away from school. It never occurred to you until the DAY BEFORE semester that you might need to change your schedule? Oh, and that's only after she had asked me two hours prior what time we should leave the next day, and who was driving!!! Whatever. Some people shouldn't reproduce.

So you're like, "What's the big deal, Jana?" Well, I was originally going to take this class by myself anyway. But the longer that I thought I was going to have someone to travel with, the more I liked it. The class is Monday night, 7-9. We haven't had a great winter so far. The roads to this particular small town aren't always great anyway. So the reality is that I'd be driving two hours round-trip in the dark, far enough from home that the weather could be different there than it is here. And I'm a WIMP when it comes to driving, particularly at night (I have vision issues). So when she tells me 24 hours before the class starts that she's backing out, I go into panic mode. What the hell am I going to do now?! And WHY did I allow myself to put trust in this person who didn't owe me a thing? I'm disappointed in myself as much as I am her.

So my relaxing day in Columbia (ah yes, I was shopping when the bomb was dropped) ended in a mad dash to the nearest computer to figure out what comes next. The adult in me said "Suck it up! It's only a semester." And the anxiety-ridden, scared side of me told me to abort. I knew that if I wasn't driving, I'd be stuck taking it online. The way they have the class set up on campus leaves me working even less than I already am, and that really can't happen right now.
I sat and stared at that laptop for an hour? Two? I can't even tell you. I just kept waiting for the answer to jump out at me, but there wasn't one. I text my Anatomy teacher, assuming she'd have some advice. I talked to my boyfriend, my mom, and a couple friends. I wanted to be told what to do, but I knew I wouldn't be happy no matter what I did. It's that terrible my-world-just-stopped-spinning feeling. Hardcore panic mode.

When it came down to it, I didn't want to drive it alone MORE than I didn't want to take it online. So that's how I decided. I'm still pissed beyond words that I was done wrong. She had to do what was best for her, but she had absolutely NO consideration for me or that decision would've been made weeks ago. It's truly easier to rely on myself and no one else, and this is a prime example of it!

So here's to hoping that the best things I do in life are the things that no one else understands or agrees with at the time. Because this whole school thing is just that.

They call me Scrooge

I really don't hate Christmas the way some people think I do. My mom assumes that I'm just a "Scrooge" and tells everyone such, but the reality is that I'm seriously annoyed with all of the PRESSURE that comes with the holiday. (Annoyed and hate are different, right?)

Think about it.

Pressure to buy gifts, usually starting before Halloween with emails, commercials and crap stacked up at stores.
Pressure to plan the perfect meal, be sure you see everyone you're "supposed" to see that day, exchange gifts, and any other tradition your family may have.
Pressure to spend money that you may not have because "it's what you do" for Christmas. Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday... isn't there a green somethingerother thrown in there now?! COME ON!!!
Pressure to play the part of a happy American who loves Christmas. Even in the worst of situations (like Wal-Mart).

And it's all so exhausting that by the end of Christmas day, you're lucky to make it to your own bed before planting face first and passing out for as many hours as you're allowed before you go back to work (which for a lot of us is the next day).

 

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!!

We plan for months for a day that's JUST ANOTHER DAY that the media tells us we should treat differently. What's the difference in Christmas day, and a family dinner on Sunday? It shouldn't be a dang thing, but it is... because we're pressured to recognize a commercial holiday.
Guess what.
I'm learning to despise Christmas because of its expectations. The magic is gone.

More than anything, I'm annoyed that it's in my face for months at a time. TV movies, commercials, songs, ringing bells, red covering the stores, lights... everywhere! Why is this ONE HOLIDAY such a big friggin' deal?! We really have our priorities screwed up.

Anatomy confessions.

I have a confession.
I text my Anatomy teacher pretty regulary
 
Actually, anyone can. She gave out her number for that reason-- easier to answer questions by text than phone call or email these days. But she and I knew each other through the spa before I ever took the class. I chose her class because I knew her, not knowing a thing about her teaching style and just hoping for the best.
 
She was the best thing that could've happened to me for this course-- an angel sent from the Anatomy gods, obviously. I really lucked out because she's a fantastic teacher.
 
She text me earlier to tell me what my lecture final grade was. I told her I had been refreshing my screen (literally every minute) but appreciated it. I was actually worried about my lab final, but she said it would be tomorrow before those were graded. Then, at 10 p.m. tonight.... I got the text...
"Hey! Congrats! 93 on lab, 92 overall in the class!"
 

.....what. NU UH!!! I still don't know how I pulled that off-- I really was expecting it to be much worse. But sure enough, it's there in black and white.

I actually pulled off an A in this PAINFUL class.

A class some people have to take multiple times, mind you.


I am just beyond excited. One more final tomorrow morning at 8 (hey, might as well get it out of the way...) and I'm done for a WHOLE MONTH!!

Down

Today I am having a very hard time with my life-changing decision.
I know I said I was done listening to strangers, but it's hard to ignore a doctor who is closely related to the field I'm going into.
....who repeatedly asked me if I had checked the job outlook, and said I needed to go in "with eyes wide open." He was politely trying to tell me there were no jobs to be had for my field.

I tried to stay calm about it and play it off. But inside I was really, really hurt.  I don't make it a point to bring up this conversation-- it just happens, which is why I'm afraid that it's for a reason. Am I supposed to be taking something from these people who put down my dreams? Maybe it's a huge hint and I'm an idiot if I don't take it to heart. MAYBE, just like everything else I've experienced, it's not meant to be and I'm actually just wasting my time.
It breaks my heart to even think about.

I don't know what to do with the information I was given today. I sure wish someone/something had made a plan for my life like so many others seem to have. Or at least one that makes sense. It's completely self-loathing to say this, but I'm sick of being the strong person who is given things because they can handle them. Today is not a good day.

Why bother planning?

This semester has been hell. Aside from the grueling work, hours of homework, and testing on a bi-weekly basis, my home life has been strained financially and personally. I have literally been pulled in all directions with little to no resources to accommodate. Just when I say that I'm at the end of my rope, I'm shown yet another direction I can be pulled and I just keep adding to my collection of troubles. The only positive here is that I'm less than a month from the semester being over.

But seriously, just when I've got it all figured out I'm reminded that I have ZERO control over what happens next.

Guys, I try. I moved home so I could save money. I have little debt, but what I have I'd like to get rid of. I had big plans to pay off a credit card and save ALL KINDS of money so that when I was in school 40 hours a week and couldn't work, I'd be okay. And dammit if it wasn't a GOOD THING I moved home, or I'd be living in a cardboard box right now. None of what I planned has happened, aside from saving money that I now get to throw at doctors.

I started the week of Halloween being at my GI specialist (internist, whatever)... not once, but three times in a week. I was super sick and couldn't get any answers because I don't have insurance. He's doing the best he can without making me file bankruptcy. I'd love to know some answers, but all the testing he'd need to do would put me in serious trouble. We're guessing what could be wrong, hoping for the best. The bills have started coming in, and I have ANOTHER appointment with him again tomorrow. I'm still not feeling well, and it's only getting worse.

AND the poor kitty. She's scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow because she has something going on with her lung. That's a big chunk o' money, but we need some answers on her too. If we don't test, we are literally clueless as to what's going on, and can't even begin to treat. The best case scenario is that it's something that can heal on its own. The worst case is that she needs surgery, which I can't afford. Plain and simple. I really, really need a break here... and I'd love for it to be in the form of a best case kitty scenario.

All the while, I watch my Christmas money slip through my fingers. I save some tips at work... because I feel like they're extra and need to be treated extra special. I had been saving for Christmas so that my credit card didn't have to be a part of this year's festivities.... but it just wasn't in the cards. WHY do I bother to plan?! It never works the way you need it to. I can't seem to get ahead. My dad says that's just how things are... that everyone deals with the same. I don't believe it, but I DO believe this is exactly why I'm going back to school.

One day, eventually, maybe, by a small miracle... I'd just like to make a plan and it actually follow through. I'm so aggravated.

Never tell strangers your dreams.

I've been really down on school in the past few weeks. Zero motivation to give a crap... it's a really bad deal. I'm just in the groove: school, homework, work, homework, sleep. I've kinda lost sight of what I'm doing and muddling through in hopes it will be over soon.

That update links to this story, I promise:

A few weeks ago, I had a client on my table who was a couple years older than me and in the same situation as myself. She had been to school but was considering going back if nothing else came about for her. Apparently the first time around she became an x-ray tech, but quit when she had kids and has only been able to find PRN work since. She was talking about how she had only worked one day in the past week, which clearly isn't enough to make a living. Granted, she chose to leave her full time position to stay home but she understood that and didn't regret it at all.

(side note: These jobs in particular are impossible to find. The school pumps out WAY TOO MANY x-ray students every year, and the job market is saturated.)

So now, this girl was thinking about going back to school for teaching. But she was at that point where she couldn't fathom going back AGAIN to change her career AGAIN. I was there once, too. I told her that eventually necessity might win over that dread. That's what happened to me.

She became interested in my story and asked what I was going back for. I told her and before I knew it, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Since it's a field closely related to her own, she wanted to warn me that those jobs weren't readily available either. And that if I had done my research, I'd know the projection for it wasn't great. She cautioned that I should do some research, but wished me well. At the time, I appreciated it. I felt defeated, but I appreciated the honest words.

The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. She didn't mean to upset me-- she truly meant well. I was mad at myself for telling someone I didn't know what was going on in my life, where I was headed, and how I was getting there. It wasn't any of her business, and strangers will never support you in the way that your friends and family will. I was mad that I gave her the opportunity to upset me, even though she had no intention of doing so. And then I obtained clarity: These are all things I had researched before I took the plunge. I felt good about it then, and didn't have any reason to feel bad about it now. She probably thought she was helping. And who knows... maybe her opinions had some truth behind them. But I can't focus on that: I have to focus on what I think is best for me, based on the research I've done and where my life has taken me.

And just in case that wasn't enough, I was talking with a classmate today about her potentially changing her major from nursing to OTA. For old times' sake, I thought it would be nice to do the same research I did before... the same digging that lead me to this decision. Sure enough, I found good news! So yeah, Missouri isn't paid at or above average for the job, but the cost of living is cheaper here. And I'm not going to be greedy about this when I finish school-- I want my life back, and if I'm not making top dollar somewhere because I have sufficient time off, I'll be okay with that. The job is projected to grow way more than the average job in the next few years, giving me hope that there WILL be a job for me when I'm ready for one. All I can be is positive. All this has to be for a reason.

So the moral here is... don't tell complete strangers about your goals and dreams. They don't get it. They don't know what you've been through, and they'll never understand why you're taking the next step. They don't owe you positive statements and encouragement, and the info they give you may or may not be accurate.You might leave with bad thoughts in your head, leaving you to second-guess what you're doing. When you're in as far as me, you don't need to be second-guessing a thing.

It's my own fault, though.

I learned my lesson.

 

Back to my homework. 2.5 more years...