The Day I Skipped Clinicals

You would THINK I murdered someone.

Yesterday, the weather was bad. I shouldn't have driven all the way to Independence at 7:30, but I did. And I regretted it, but I made it. The drive home was much better.

They were calling for ice and snow early this morning, and I had already decided I wasn't going to do it again. If we got bad weather, I wasn't going.

I have to drive a minimum of an hour everyday (W-F) this semester. Two of those days are two lanes only. To me, there is no reason I should risk my life for this. After all, I'm not getting paid. AND, I've got banked hours that can serve as built-in snow days. I did that on purpose.

My parents have been treating me like a child lately. I don't know if that's my fault or theirs, but it's damn annoying. All up in my business... checking on me... constantly asking me questions about school. I called the site at 5 a.m. and left a message telling them I wouldn't be there today.

At 7:00, my mom is pounding on my door, asking if I'm going in. I said no, so then she asked if it was because of the weather....

.....seriously? I lived alone for more than 5 years and got myself up every single day. I can remember ONE TIME when I overslept and got to work late. Every single day for those 5+ years, I was a responsible adult. WHY, all of a sudden, does everyone think that I'm not capable of taking care of myself?!

My dad got home from work today. Cue the 20 questions. "What did you do today?" "What days do you travel? Shouldn't you be in Jeff City today?" *sigh* When I told him why I didn't go, he says "The weather wasn't bad this morning."

YEAH WELL SCREW OFF. I checked the MoDot map and the road between here and there was "partly covered" which is enough for me to stay home.

GOOD GRIEF.... I have never skipped a clinical day before. Ever. And considering it's my last semester, I think that's doing well! I don't know if everyone is losing faith in my drive and/or ability, or if we're reverting back to childhood. But either way, I'm over it. I'm a grown ass adult!!

So behind in school. In life. Same thing.

They say you aren't supposed to wish your life away. Live in the moment, savor the good times, and learn from the bad times. But embrace everyday, because you never know when it'll be your last.

I've been wishing my life away since August of 2014 when this program started. I knew it would be long and miserable. They said, "It'll go by so fast!" but I knew that it wouldn't for me. And it hasn't; it's felt like a lifetime! I've been living my life week to week... counting down from 16 over and over, until the next break. I literally live my life one week at a time; 24 hours of clinicals and homework until I can say my "week" is over.

When I got myself in "trouble" last semester, I thought it would be wise to spend my break studying so that my last semester might be better. That meant that I would have to ignore the dark cloud following me everywhere I go: my physics registry. I knew most of my classmates would be taking it over this break, but now that I know two of them have passed I'm really hitting the panic button. So I studied... some, but not for physics. It's hard to remember to do it when life kinda takes over-- I worked a lot, tried to get things done that had been ignored for months, and wanted to have a little fun. So now, I kinda feel bad that I didn't get as much of that done as I should've. And on top of it... physics hasn't been touched.

I've only sorta studied for physics. This crap is HARD... and it's so boring. I don't care, and that makes it really hard to stay focused. So today, coming home and seeing that another classmate has passed it has me really upset. I feel so behind. I feel like I'm never going to make it.

I have three study resources for this test: an official review book, some flash cards (made by an author, not me) and some CDs to listen to. I had told myself that my commute times would be spent listening to the CD. I plan to stick to that, but I just feel like time is running out. I have to *attempt* this test before I graduate, but I REALLY want to PASS it.

And what happens when I panic? I shut down. So... that's what I'll be doing for a couple days, I guess. I just thought that I would excel in this program. I expected to be top of the class and the first to accomplish most things. I don't know why... I just did. So now that reality has set in, and I realize that my need to work has actually really hurt me, I'm just trying to get through. I'm not at the top of the class, and some would even say I'm behind in my abilities.

Going back to school at my age is a real struggle. For many reasons. I realize I usually set my standards high, but I'm really disappointed in myself right now.

A year and some change later...

It has been well over a year since I've blogged. Or logged in, for that matter.
Life has taken over, just like "the program" said it would, and I really don't know that anyone wants to keep up with the madness of school.

The good news is, I have exactly one semester until I graduate. The bad news is, I'll be driving a lot (which I HATE) to get to clinical sites.... for all 16 weeks. Plus, I've been having some serious issues with "the program" that have really made me doubt myself and wonder if I'm going to make it.
Let's just say I asked for help last semester. It took over 7 weeks to get that "help" and their solution was to put me on probation. I don't feel like I was helped at all, and I'm having to figure a lot of things out on my own when THE PROGRAM should be helping me. I'm paying a lot of money, after all.

But I have to make it. I'm still living in the basement, and I'm ready to move on. It'll be a while before that happens, but I MUST make strides in the right direction in order to stay sane.

Right now I'm on break and savoring every second of it. I'm spending some of it studying, some working, and some playing. I have a lot of big registries hanging over my head that follow me around like a dark cloud. But I'm making the best of it.

That was a super quick update, but a full update would take far too long. I don't know why I do it to myself, but I need to get back to my Sunday ritual-- Say Yes to the Dress marathon.

Countdown: 22 months.

Well, it's here.
I start THE PROGRAM tomorrow.


I've tried really hard to have a full summer-- from baseball games, to ranch tours, to three trips to the fair. I just wanted to live life, fearful that it would come to a screeching halt when August 18 rolled around. I once said that not having enough money during this process was my biggest fear... it still is, but a VERY close second is the fear that I'll lose myself and my life.


"They" tell you to expect 40 hours a week for homework. They'll also tell you that you don't have time to work. That's really just not an option for me, so I'm working about 15 hours a week and hoping for the best. But hearing all of that makes me really scared-- what if I don't have the time to do the things I really enjoy? I'm fairly simple most of the time... a good tv show, time with my boyfriend and Taco Tuesday are all things that make me tick. I know I'll be a person I don't like if I don't get the time for a little enjoyment.


This first semester will be the hardest. My classes have already opened up online, and the buzz is that it's very overwhelming. I was prepared for that. But how prepared can you really be until you get in there and are totally and completely slapped in the face by ALL the work and expectations in these classes? I guess I'll let myself worry one more day before venturing in. Yeah, I'd be smart to start today.... but I need this day.


Anyway, here we go! Hoping for the best, and praying that life goes easy on me for the next two years.

'Cause you know that you're TOXIC...

No one likes to WORK. We all do it because we need money to survive. We NEED work.
So I guess that means we have to put up with whatever our place of employment hands us, right?
See, this is where I get myself in trouble.


I don't bite my tongue.
I don't sugar coat.
I don't hold back.
I speak my mind-- because I work in a small business and the way it's structured leaves the door wide open for any and all to contribute ideas.
....but when those ideas backfire because of catty bullshit, what can you do?


There's no feeling in the world I can compare to being employed in a toxic workplace (Unfortunately, this is not my first rodeo.). When you're like me, your ass is on the line--a lot. Because you "hurt someone's feewings..." or they feel threatened by your ideas because they are actually proactive and may make a difference (force them to do their jobs properly). And you live in fear that someone is going to get you fired over it. It's this boulder in my gut that goes away long enough for me to sleep, and reappears the instant I awake. What am I so afraid of? I guess it's losing my job and not having an income-- because that's truly the only reason I work. I don't care if I make enemies or lose friends. I just don't want to be in a bad spot because I TRIED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE and they retaliated with childish, pointless, ILLEGAL actions. It's sickening and terrifying... and borderline entertaining all at the same time!


It wasn't until this week that I actually started being excited for my new chapter.
My biggest worry was that I wouldn't have enough money to pay bills and live on, but all that went away when I realized that I was going to be freed from the toxicity that is my job. Yes, I'll still be there. But HOPEFULLY it'll be very part time, just a few hours a week. And it will be amazing. I won't be forced to face the people who are out to get me fired, nearly as much. I won't have to interact with the idiots who act like they know how to run the place but fail miserably everyday. I won't have to be a part of my fellow coworkers' drama and complaints as they continue to endure the sorry excuse for management while they just try to maintain employment. Because I'm definitely not alone-- I'm just the one who gets caught. I will walk in, do my job, and leave.


In the meantime, I must learn to keep quiet. Just wade through until I can get out. It's hard to watch things go down the crapper. I mean, that's all I ever wanted-- to ensure that my job would be there. I wanted the best for the spa, but my intentions have been twisted and I will never be the "good guy". So instead I'll say nothing. I don't care anymore-- let it burn. In fact, I'll quite enjoy watching it self-destruct from afar because of the (bad) decisions made within.


I know that for me, there's something better waiting on the other side of this nightmare. And I'm very thankful for that opportunity.

Summer class.

One more prerequisite.
Yeah, I got accepted. But only if I pass this class with my required B. I couldn't fit it in anywhere else... good thing I didn't try. This summer was my ONLY option.


Who takes Physics in the summer?! Only crazy people, apparently.
There are only 4 people in the class. I am the only female. There's a lot of grunting and "In this one job I did, this concept applied...." blah blah. I honestly don't care. I just want a map of how to do the problems and get the heck out of there.


This class is 3.25 hours, twice a week. I check out exactly 2 hours into the class, everyday. That means 1.25 hours is spent daydreaming, doodling, and acting like I get what the teacher is saying (aaaand I never do). Some classes just aren't meant to sit through for this long, folks.


Mind-numbing is the best description I can give.
I.
Don't.
Care.
....about physics or anything associated with it. All I need to know is how my machine will work, and that will be covered in the program.


The only good thing I can say is that the homework is minimal for a summer semester class. You either get it, or you don't. You can either follow the examples in the book, or you can't. I've given up on the whole "understanding" it thing. Just muddling through for 8 weeks.
Oh, and he's giving us take-home tests. I mean... I really should be happier. This could be worse.


3 classes down, 13 more to go!

I've been keeping a secret.

I was clearly upset during my last post. I felt misled and very confused about what came next. I needed time to process what had happened the day of the workshop, and what would happen in the case of acceptance as well as rejection.
So imagine my dismay when THREE DAYS after the workshop, I get an email from the program advisor giving me their decision.


You know, I had been told "It wouldn't be long", then that it would take a month to hear anything from them. So three days wasn't really surprising, but I really just wish that they'd get their facts straight before they opened their mouths. Ever. Seeing as how I got the email on Monday morning, there's a good chance they had made a decision by Friday which is only one day. Doesn't really fit together, but that's the theme here anyway.


I opened it and cringed. Here it was. Right there in front of me was an attachment titled "Acceptance letter." My stomach dropped and quite honestly, I cried. I was overwhelmed and still not emotionally stable from three days prior. I opened it up and read it. Great news..... wish I could be happy.


And that's why I sat on this information for so long. I was actually accepted mid-April, but it took me a solid week to tell anyone (including my parents) and I've slowly started telling people here and there when they ask. No big announcement because it's taken me this long to be okay with it.

I know that sounds plain crazy.

But I thought about it, cried on it, talked to people, and prayed for clarity. At the end of the day, this is exactly what I wanted when I started 3 semesters ago. I couldn't wait for the day I was accepted... it was going to be the best day ever! And I had made promises to my family who graciously took me in as their basement dweller, so I couldn't even consider veering from the plan. Fear had taken over and kept me from being excited about the exact thing I had worked so hard for. Don't get me wrong-- I'm still very scared of what happens next. I don't know how the work thing will go, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford to live for the next 2 years. But I'll do my best nonetheless.


So.... I'M IN! Now to enjoy what summer I have (aside from the one class I have to take) and prepare for the bumpy ride ahead. I just have to remember what's on the other side.

The process

You know, I don't want to be one of those people who always blame others for their own misfortunes.


It seems like when something doesn't go as planned, I can find someone to at least partially blame. But I've been told recently that I set my standards too high, and that I should be easier on myself when I fail. Having said that, I tend to have my stuff together. I go into situations prepared, educated, and willing to ask about what I don't fully understand.  Maybe that's why I expect the same of others.


The "workshop" for the ultrasound program was last Thursday. When we received the invite for it, the paper stated it would be 8-5. I had to take an entire day off work for this, but what can you do? In the workshop we would be tested, interviewed and asked to write a "200 word essay" bragging on ourselves.


So much about this day did not go as expected. So much of it was a disappointment. Where to begin....


I've always made it a point to make my presence known in the department. I speak with one of the instructors and the advisor often. I WANT to ask questions... I WANT to be in the know. I WANT them to know me! But I found out Thursday that everything I had been told was simply inaccurate. I don't know if the person answering my questions was misinformed, or if they were just told to say whatever was necessary to keep us interested in applying.

1. I asked if the current students were able to work. (After all, I AM an adult with bills and responsibilities. I might be living in a basement, but that doesn't make my car payment, etc. go away.) I was told that most all of them WERE working, and she didn't act like any of them were having issues with that. On Thursday, I was told the opposite. That none of them were able to keep jobs and when they did work, it was very little. They "strongly" suggest you don't work through this program. Serious panic set in.


2. I had heard a rumor about the prerequisites. Basically, what I'm taking this semester (and what I need to take this summer) wouldn't count for points on this application because they weren't completed. When I asked the advisor about this, I was casually told that, "Oh no, they wait until the end of the semester. They'll count." And on Thursday, I was told quite the opposite. SO... I have 3 classes that aren't being counted for points (which automatically puts me behind most of the others).


3. I was given my interview time prior to the date, kinda as a favor. I found out it was early enough that I would be able to work that afternoon. Yet, when I finished my testing they dragged me into the room because THEY wanted to get started. So not only was I FIRST to interview (everyone knows that's not good), I pushed everyone else behind. Yes, I was done early... but that's not the point. I wanted my 11:45 slot.


4. The 200-word essay described in the information led me to believe it would be "200 or more", but it was, in fact, ONLY 200 words. Now can someone tell me how I can brag about my experience and capabilities in 200 words?! It's unreal. It seemed so... child's play.


5. And finally, I was told they would be taking 10 this year instead of 6. What that ACTUALLY meant was that they were taking 6, and four others would be "alternates" that had to find their own clinical sites. The paraphrased words of the instructor were, "Sometimes your family works in a hospital, or you have a connection or something. So you're able to convince them to let you do some hours there when we maybe didn't have good luck with them before." Sooooo... you basically want those 4 to go out and do your work? I still don't fully understand. And, quite frankly, if I'm one of those 4, I'll have to decline the spot because I DON'T have any connections. They didn't give us a list of clinical sites, so I can only guess... but anyone I could approach has probably already been propositioned.


Aside from all of that, the day started with a Power Point presentation from one of the instructors. Not only was she a terrible presenter, but she wasn't that friendly either. They made it a point to make the slide show "doom and gloom" to scare of those who wouldn't be serious about it. You know-- "This job isn't 9-5" and "Your life will change so drastically that your friends and family will be affected" stuff. Yeah, I knew all of that... did you really have to put such a huge damper on the day first thing? And the presentation was put together poorly. I was required to make better presentations in high school.


I guess I just hold these people to a higher standard because of what they've expected from ME to get this far. I felt like I had been lied to numerous times, and that the workshop day was a little clown school. I KNOW I shouldn't feel like this. I KNOW I'm a terrible person for even discussing it. But it bothers me. These people want thousands of dollars from me (when I was originally led to believe there would be a grant in place to pay for my tuition-- there's not) and they can't even get their info straight.


*sigh*
You know, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. I was really torn all day. I didn't know whether to be sad, angry, content....
And I honestly won't be crushed if I don't get in this year. As much as I want to get on with my life, I want them to have their crap together just as much. I'm not sure that it's there yet, and I can't handle being part of a huge cluster. Not when I'm paying dearly for it.


Am I crazy? Is this just how all the programs work? Am I being too picky? I really feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling this way right now. I used to think my life would end if I didn't get in this year. Now I kinda don't care either way.


It's a tough spot to be in.


I won't know anything until next month. Just enough time to worry myself sick over it! It is what it is.

Application submitted!

The last time I blogged (forever ago) I had just found out that my application was due in one month, and I was in panic mode. So much has happened then. SO much that I haven't had a spare second to blog (not that anyone cares... I have one follower-- lol).
I'll try not to be too wordy.


The 8 hours observation time I needed for the application was a nightmare. The local hospital makes it IMPOSSIBLE to observe. I'm standing in a corner, not touching a thing and they need a laundry list of things from me. Things I didn't have time for. So I went to Marshall's hospital one day, and an imaging center in town another. The day in Marshall was devastating. I almost left as quickly as I got there. I was given a 30+ minute speech about how I'm wasting my time doing this, and how I'll never find a job when I'm done. Talk about defeat. I went back to my advisor and unloaded on her. Naturally, she told me it would all be okay. I don't know if I believe it, but so be it. The in-town imaging center was a bear to work with. Mainly because they're slower and I had to see two different exams. So I would call in the mornings and hope to set up time for the afternoon. Mess.


But I somehow got the observation hours done. The referral letters were simple. Three people that I know well and very little chasing around to get them done. The application itself is a joke: ONE piece of paper, front side only. Put it all in an envelope and turned it in 2 days before it was due. Aaaand done.
Done? Nope.


I got an invite to their "workshop" which takes 8 hours of my day (read: losing an entire day's worth of pay) to PAY THEM $50 for me to take a test, write an essay, and do an interview. I don't feel special for getting this invite. I feel like if you weren't blatantly ineligible, you were invited. But I'm going, nonetheless, on April 10. I think we're supposed to know something one way or another by May.


....you tend to talk to people everywhere you go when you're in the college. The hallway, the classroom, the parking lot. You try to get as much info as you possibly can. I've done my fair share of talking about this program, and I've finally talked myself into not committing suicide if I don't get in this year. Let me elaborate.


Before, it was do or die. But then, I remembered that nothing I ever plan for works in the way I desire. So... I had a talk with myself. Will my life end if I don't make this program this year? Nope. In fact, it'll go on for an entire year before I can apply again. So I might as well have a plan just in case that happens. I mean, I'm up against who-knows-how-many people (I'll find out on the workshop day, I guess) and they could very well have more points than me for the simple fact that I'm still finishing up prerequisites. It's all about the points... my personality, my ability to schmooze in an interview, and my killer writing skills in that essay really don't mean squat if there's someone out there who have been done with classes and got all A's in them. I mean, I'm just being real here. I think it's the safest thing for me to do right now.


Being real has always kinda been my thing. :)


So I'm a mere 4 days away from the big workshop now, and I'm really ready for it to be over with. It'll be a long, stressful day.
Until then...

Hoops

It has been a very rough semester so far. We're 3 weeks in.

First I get ditched for that class, have to move my work schedule around, and I'm trying to decode the things my Algebra teacher says-- not because I don't get it, but because she's weird.

But THEN, I met with my advisor (a girl I graduated high school with... it's odd to talk to her about my education) and we were talking about requirements, etc. I mentioned that I hadn't received any information about the application (since I'm applying to start in August). See, last year we got an e-mail blast with a lot of info regarding the application process. I wasn't eligible to apply, but I figured that might be something they do again since the program was new.

So she quickly responded, "Oh, you're not going to get anything. You have to get on the site and print the application out. It's due March 1." Ho-lee-shit. It's now the very end of January and I KNOW that I have to get observation hours in as well as reference letters and the application itself.

I realize I'm at fault for not looking into it sooner. I should've been asking about it at the end of last semester. But time got away and I kinda thought I'd have a little guidance in the matter. My bad. And this semester is naturally a nightmare... why not throw an application process in?!

I printed off the 35 pages of information and application. I need 8 observation hours-- now the good Lord knows I don't have 8 consecutive hours to give at once, but I can split it up into a couple days. I figure I'll try the hospital and maybe diagnostic place 4 hours at a time. So I contact the hospital and get a call back telling me that "There's a process for observers. You need to get on our website and print off the information. You'll need the submit your packet and we can get you in within a week or so."

*panic*

SO I HAVE TO SUBMIT A PACKET TO STAND IN A CORNER AND ASK SOME QUESTIONS?! I have to APPLY to observe so I can APPLY TO A PROGRAM???

Fine. I'll play your game.

I get on THEIR site and print the crap out. (Hold on folks, it gets better.) Not only do they REQUIRE you to have the flu shot (just let me wear a mask!!) they want your vaccination record and a TB test has to be performed. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Time is ticking away, and now I have to jump through a thousand hoops so that I can stand in a corner, NOT touch a patient and LOOK at stuff for 8 hours. FML.

We won't talk about how all of that is on your own dime. It'll be $45 for me to have the flu shot (which I'm personally not for) and the TB test done. Don't think for a second that I didn't think about giving up on all of it. Just when I think I've got it all under control, I don't. Every time.

Needless to say, I've got a lot to do in the next 20 days. I really don't know how it's going to happen since HELL WEEK is coming up at the spa. I'm kinda at a loss. All I can do is try, but it's going to suck if I don't get to apply this year (and have to wait an entire year) because of these observation hours.

Live for you.

You would THINK that I committed a murder.

Or that I shot someone's grandma.

You would THINK... by the looks, the rumors... that I should be locked up somewhere.  But I'm sorta a prisoner in my own town anyway!

Life happens and people do things you don't expect. BUT you have to remember that you don't know all the sides of the story, ever. So before you start throwing daggers or spreading rumors, ask yourself if YOU'VE ever done something that wasn't expected. If you haven't, you're not living life!

See, when my boyfriend and I "came out" to the world, I knew I was in for an uphill battle. He was the ex of a not-so-great friend, and A LOT of worry went into the idea of a relationship. I knew people wouldn't like it-- especially her. But you get to the point in your life where you have to start living for YOU, because there's no one else on the planet who will make sure that happens. Did I think it would cause some trouble? Yes. Did I think that almost 9 months later I'd still be dealing with it? UH, NO.

All the things that people had said about him might've been true back then. But people change and sometimes for the better. And at the very least, different people bring out the best or worst in others. MAYBE... all the things people "knew" about him had everything to do with his ex. Do you really know? Did you care enough at the time to find out the truth, or was it more entertaining for you to gossip and create your own version? I digress. Not the point.

So what I did... was it a crime? No. People are meant to be with people. The fact that we found each other after he was with my "friend" doesn't make it any different than if we were two strangers that found each other. Life goes on, people move on...

But I know it's hard to believe the girl who rocked your friend's world. Because to her, I am THE worst person to ever live, and LORD ONLY KNOWS what's been said about me. I live in a smaller town and people will always talk.

But it's fine. I know the truth, and I don't miss one single person who has turned against me. They were not assets to my life. I just wish that they understood that we are all adults here, and sometimes people end up working out despite what everyone else thinks.... and it's not out of spite, or to cause any harm. It's because they want to be together and deserve it as much as the next couple. Being catty and hateful because YOU think it's wrong makes YOU look pitiful. Especially when YOU weren't even involved to begin with.

Live your life, people! Worry about you and yours. Let others deal with their own drama, despite how close you are with them. That's THEIR life to live. And when you're handed drama, deal with it in the most mature way you know how. It's going to happen, no doubt about it-- but there's a way to manage it and a way to make yourself look crazy.

Your choice.

Trust in reverse.

I've always had trust issues. Not in the "I'm socially awkward" way, but more in the "I've been taught it's easier to do it myself" way. But I can't spend my life second-guessing people and assuming I'll be done wrong. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope for the best, because there are good people out there who have a conscience and were raised right.

And just when I thought I had made a new friend and could put some trust in someone new, I was reminded why it's more important to take care of yourself than to rely on others.

It would be one thing if the girl who had decided to take a class with me an hour away from home figured out a month after signing up that she didn't need to take the class. Or even two weeks ago. But instead, she waited until the day before the class started to bail on it. We've been signed up for this class for TWO MONTHS... a month of that has been on break, away from school. It never occurred to you until the DAY BEFORE semester that you might need to change your schedule? Oh, and that's only after she had asked me two hours prior what time we should leave the next day, and who was driving!!! Whatever. Some people shouldn't reproduce.

So you're like, "What's the big deal, Jana?" Well, I was originally going to take this class by myself anyway. But the longer that I thought I was going to have someone to travel with, the more I liked it. The class is Monday night, 7-9. We haven't had a great winter so far. The roads to this particular small town aren't always great anyway. So the reality is that I'd be driving two hours round-trip in the dark, far enough from home that the weather could be different there than it is here. And I'm a WIMP when it comes to driving, particularly at night (I have vision issues). So when she tells me 24 hours before the class starts that she's backing out, I go into panic mode. What the hell am I going to do now?! And WHY did I allow myself to put trust in this person who didn't owe me a thing? I'm disappointed in myself as much as I am her.

So my relaxing day in Columbia (ah yes, I was shopping when the bomb was dropped) ended in a mad dash to the nearest computer to figure out what comes next. The adult in me said "Suck it up! It's only a semester." And the anxiety-ridden, scared side of me told me to abort. I knew that if I wasn't driving, I'd be stuck taking it online. The way they have the class set up on campus leaves me working even less than I already am, and that really can't happen right now.
I sat and stared at that laptop for an hour? Two? I can't even tell you. I just kept waiting for the answer to jump out at me, but there wasn't one. I text my Anatomy teacher, assuming she'd have some advice. I talked to my boyfriend, my mom, and a couple friends. I wanted to be told what to do, but I knew I wouldn't be happy no matter what I did. It's that terrible my-world-just-stopped-spinning feeling. Hardcore panic mode.

When it came down to it, I didn't want to drive it alone MORE than I didn't want to take it online. So that's how I decided. I'm still pissed beyond words that I was done wrong. She had to do what was best for her, but she had absolutely NO consideration for me or that decision would've been made weeks ago. It's truly easier to rely on myself and no one else, and this is a prime example of it!

So here's to hoping that the best things I do in life are the things that no one else understands or agrees with at the time. Because this whole school thing is just that.

They call me Scrooge

I really don't hate Christmas the way some people think I do. My mom assumes that I'm just a "Scrooge" and tells everyone such, but the reality is that I'm seriously annoyed with all of the PRESSURE that comes with the holiday. (Annoyed and hate are different, right?)

Think about it.

Pressure to buy gifts, usually starting before Halloween with emails, commercials and crap stacked up at stores.
Pressure to plan the perfect meal, be sure you see everyone you're "supposed" to see that day, exchange gifts, and any other tradition your family may have.
Pressure to spend money that you may not have because "it's what you do" for Christmas. Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday... isn't there a green somethingerother thrown in there now?! COME ON!!!
Pressure to play the part of a happy American who loves Christmas. Even in the worst of situations (like Wal-Mart).

And it's all so exhausting that by the end of Christmas day, you're lucky to make it to your own bed before planting face first and passing out for as many hours as you're allowed before you go back to work (which for a lot of us is the next day).

 

IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!!

We plan for months for a day that's JUST ANOTHER DAY that the media tells us we should treat differently. What's the difference in Christmas day, and a family dinner on Sunday? It shouldn't be a dang thing, but it is... because we're pressured to recognize a commercial holiday.
Guess what.
I'm learning to despise Christmas because of its expectations. The magic is gone.

More than anything, I'm annoyed that it's in my face for months at a time. TV movies, commercials, songs, ringing bells, red covering the stores, lights... everywhere! Why is this ONE HOLIDAY such a big friggin' deal?! We really have our priorities screwed up.

Anatomy confessions.

I have a confession.
I text my Anatomy teacher pretty regulary
 
Actually, anyone can. She gave out her number for that reason-- easier to answer questions by text than phone call or email these days. But she and I knew each other through the spa before I ever took the class. I chose her class because I knew her, not knowing a thing about her teaching style and just hoping for the best.
 
She was the best thing that could've happened to me for this course-- an angel sent from the Anatomy gods, obviously. I really lucked out because she's a fantastic teacher.
 
She text me earlier to tell me what my lecture final grade was. I told her I had been refreshing my screen (literally every minute) but appreciated it. I was actually worried about my lab final, but she said it would be tomorrow before those were graded. Then, at 10 p.m. tonight.... I got the text...
"Hey! Congrats! 93 on lab, 92 overall in the class!"
 

.....what. NU UH!!! I still don't know how I pulled that off-- I really was expecting it to be much worse. But sure enough, it's there in black and white.

I actually pulled off an A in this PAINFUL class.

A class some people have to take multiple times, mind you.


I am just beyond excited. One more final tomorrow morning at 8 (hey, might as well get it out of the way...) and I'm done for a WHOLE MONTH!!

Down

Today I am having a very hard time with my life-changing decision.
I know I said I was done listening to strangers, but it's hard to ignore a doctor who is closely related to the field I'm going into.
....who repeatedly asked me if I had checked the job outlook, and said I needed to go in "with eyes wide open." He was politely trying to tell me there were no jobs to be had for my field.

I tried to stay calm about it and play it off. But inside I was really, really hurt.  I don't make it a point to bring up this conversation-- it just happens, which is why I'm afraid that it's for a reason. Am I supposed to be taking something from these people who put down my dreams? Maybe it's a huge hint and I'm an idiot if I don't take it to heart. MAYBE, just like everything else I've experienced, it's not meant to be and I'm actually just wasting my time.
It breaks my heart to even think about.

I don't know what to do with the information I was given today. I sure wish someone/something had made a plan for my life like so many others seem to have. Or at least one that makes sense. It's completely self-loathing to say this, but I'm sick of being the strong person who is given things because they can handle them. Today is not a good day.

Why bother planning?

This semester has been hell. Aside from the grueling work, hours of homework, and testing on a bi-weekly basis, my home life has been strained financially and personally. I have literally been pulled in all directions with little to no resources to accommodate. Just when I say that I'm at the end of my rope, I'm shown yet another direction I can be pulled and I just keep adding to my collection of troubles. The only positive here is that I'm less than a month from the semester being over.

But seriously, just when I've got it all figured out I'm reminded that I have ZERO control over what happens next.

Guys, I try. I moved home so I could save money. I have little debt, but what I have I'd like to get rid of. I had big plans to pay off a credit card and save ALL KINDS of money so that when I was in school 40 hours a week and couldn't work, I'd be okay. And dammit if it wasn't a GOOD THING I moved home, or I'd be living in a cardboard box right now. None of what I planned has happened, aside from saving money that I now get to throw at doctors.

I started the week of Halloween being at my GI specialist (internist, whatever)... not once, but three times in a week. I was super sick and couldn't get any answers because I don't have insurance. He's doing the best he can without making me file bankruptcy. I'd love to know some answers, but all the testing he'd need to do would put me in serious trouble. We're guessing what could be wrong, hoping for the best. The bills have started coming in, and I have ANOTHER appointment with him again tomorrow. I'm still not feeling well, and it's only getting worse.

AND the poor kitty. She's scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow because she has something going on with her lung. That's a big chunk o' money, but we need some answers on her too. If we don't test, we are literally clueless as to what's going on, and can't even begin to treat. The best case scenario is that it's something that can heal on its own. The worst case is that she needs surgery, which I can't afford. Plain and simple. I really, really need a break here... and I'd love for it to be in the form of a best case kitty scenario.

All the while, I watch my Christmas money slip through my fingers. I save some tips at work... because I feel like they're extra and need to be treated extra special. I had been saving for Christmas so that my credit card didn't have to be a part of this year's festivities.... but it just wasn't in the cards. WHY do I bother to plan?! It never works the way you need it to. I can't seem to get ahead. My dad says that's just how things are... that everyone deals with the same. I don't believe it, but I DO believe this is exactly why I'm going back to school.

One day, eventually, maybe, by a small miracle... I'd just like to make a plan and it actually follow through. I'm so aggravated.

Never tell strangers your dreams.

I've been really down on school in the past few weeks. Zero motivation to give a crap... it's a really bad deal. I'm just in the groove: school, homework, work, homework, sleep. I've kinda lost sight of what I'm doing and muddling through in hopes it will be over soon.

That update links to this story, I promise:

A few weeks ago, I had a client on my table who was a couple years older than me and in the same situation as myself. She had been to school but was considering going back if nothing else came about for her. Apparently the first time around she became an x-ray tech, but quit when she had kids and has only been able to find PRN work since. She was talking about how she had only worked one day in the past week, which clearly isn't enough to make a living. Granted, she chose to leave her full time position to stay home but she understood that and didn't regret it at all.

(side note: These jobs in particular are impossible to find. The school pumps out WAY TOO MANY x-ray students every year, and the job market is saturated.)

So now, this girl was thinking about going back to school for teaching. But she was at that point where she couldn't fathom going back AGAIN to change her career AGAIN. I was there once, too. I told her that eventually necessity might win over that dread. That's what happened to me.

She became interested in my story and asked what I was going back for. I told her and before I knew it, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Since it's a field closely related to her own, she wanted to warn me that those jobs weren't readily available either. And that if I had done my research, I'd know the projection for it wasn't great. She cautioned that I should do some research, but wished me well. At the time, I appreciated it. I felt defeated, but I appreciated the honest words.

The more I thought about it, the more angry I got. She didn't mean to upset me-- she truly meant well. I was mad at myself for telling someone I didn't know what was going on in my life, where I was headed, and how I was getting there. It wasn't any of her business, and strangers will never support you in the way that your friends and family will. I was mad that I gave her the opportunity to upset me, even though she had no intention of doing so. And then I obtained clarity: These are all things I had researched before I took the plunge. I felt good about it then, and didn't have any reason to feel bad about it now. She probably thought she was helping. And who knows... maybe her opinions had some truth behind them. But I can't focus on that: I have to focus on what I think is best for me, based on the research I've done and where my life has taken me.

And just in case that wasn't enough, I was talking with a classmate today about her potentially changing her major from nursing to OTA. For old times' sake, I thought it would be nice to do the same research I did before... the same digging that lead me to this decision. Sure enough, I found good news! So yeah, Missouri isn't paid at or above average for the job, but the cost of living is cheaper here. And I'm not going to be greedy about this when I finish school-- I want my life back, and if I'm not making top dollar somewhere because I have sufficient time off, I'll be okay with that. The job is projected to grow way more than the average job in the next few years, giving me hope that there WILL be a job for me when I'm ready for one. All I can be is positive. All this has to be for a reason.

So the moral here is... don't tell complete strangers about your goals and dreams. They don't get it. They don't know what you've been through, and they'll never understand why you're taking the next step. They don't owe you positive statements and encouragement, and the info they give you may or may not be accurate.You might leave with bad thoughts in your head, leaving you to second-guess what you're doing. When you're in as far as me, you don't need to be second-guessing a thing.

It's my own fault, though.

I learned my lesson.

 

Back to my homework. 2.5 more years...

I was never that kid...

I just took my second algebra test for the semester and feel I did pretty well. I got 100% on the first one, which was a nice thing to see. I've never been very mathy, and the fact that I got an A out of last semester, and I'm pulling one halfway into intermediate algebra is refreshing. I was never the math kid... the one that people asked questions, or trusted to take notes from.

 

But last week... LAST WEEK... was awesome. There were a couple of people who had been absent a couple days and were a little lost in what we were doing. I heard the teacher talking to one of them and said something about a "really good note taker", and I immediately assumed she was talking about the paid note taker that was probably in another one of her classes.

Nope.

She walked up to ME and asked if it was okay to make copies of my notes. She laughed and said she had already promised them to someone and hoped I'd be okay with it.

 

My inner child BEAMED... I was finally THAT KID!! The one that the teacher noticed because of my hard work and ability to grasp what she was teaching. I tried to hide my smile as I showed her which pages were which, then she took my notebook and asked if anyone else wanted a copy. The guy behind me did. Two copies... my notes... weirrrrrrdd...

And to top it off, the kid behind me went on to ask me how to work a problem. Okay... that's definitely never happened before.

 

I guess it was just nice to finally be the kid in class who was doing well. That's never EVER been me in a math class. And the teacher sees that I'm trying really hard (mostly because I sit on the front row, but whatever). It's just a nice change. Halfway through this class and one more math class and I'll be done with math classes FOREVER AND EVER!

 

Here's to hoping I can hold on!!

Raw anger

I've been having a lot of anger lately. Unfortunately, that's something I struggle with a lot. The world isn't fair, and I have a hard time grasping that. Why are good people punished? Why aren't bad people held accountable? So yeah, it's hard for me.

As I was walking through the halls yesterday, I ran into one of the women I had interviewed with for a position at the college. She was one of many people I had "met with" about a job over the 5+ years I was looking for something. But instantly, I was mad. Like, hold myself back mad.

So this goes out to all the people who rejected me for a job when I desperately needed it:

 

A HUGE EFF YOU!!!

You are the reason that I am here, back in school, and living in a basement. It is because of you that I felt like I had no other option but to go back to school for the THIRD time. It is because of you that I get insanely jealous when I hear of someone getting a job like it was nothing-- no effort seems to be involved, yet I would cry over rejection but always try again because I was hopeful that someone would see me for what I was worth. Eff you.

I have been thisclose to losing my mind lately. There's a LOT going on between school, work, and my personal life. It's a very tedious project right now, my life. So do I think this situation will be for the better in the end? Hopefully. But sometimes you're allowed to be angry, especially when you were forced into something. And especially when you don't see others struggling in the same way. Today, I am angry. And I'm going to allow myself that.
After all, there's nothing desirable about devoting every spare second of your time to homework. But yet, here I am.

Self-inflicted anxiety

I may be totally MIA for a lot of weeks this semester.
I really didn't think I'd have this much studying to do in my Anatomy class because I've had it all before. But come to find out, I only had some of it and the rest of it is terrifying.
Also, the tests are brutal.
So I sit for hours and days at a time memorizing dumb stuff that will not translate into my future job.

Just playing their money game.

I can't begin to describe to you how terrified I am that I won't make it to the program. We went over this before: I usually don't get my way when it comes to my life desires and plans. Why would this be any different? If I don't make it next year, I'll have to wait an ENTIRE YEAR to apply again... and what in the world will I do with my time then?! Life is ticking away, and I'm sitting in a basement.

I clearly have some anxieties here, and for good reason. People are dropping like flies from my classes, which makes me super nervous. I don't want to be next.

In other news, I had my first math test today (finally in intermediate algebra) and got 100% on it. So that's good.. but still doesn't really count since I have to pass college algebra with a certain grade.

There's just too much at stake. I feel like I'm up against too much.
What was I thinking?!